Dear Frantic Me: Trying to Be Everything for Everybody Everywhere

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Have you ever been so stressed out and still added more to your plate?

Mmm.

It almost becomes a game.

Like, how much more can I add before I drop?

And today, I've done a lot with that game.

So I am trying to get everything in order and everything prepared for the changes that are happening.

No big deal, right?

Easy peasy.

I'm Trying to Figure Out How I'm Gonna Make Things Work

I'm also trying to figure out how I'm gonna make things work out there, how I'm gonna make things work here, what I'm doing with my current job, what I'm doing with my family.

And then on top of that, today I was just like, my husband wants me to help him set up his computer.

Sure.

I've got time for that.

I am trying to be everything for everybody everywhere.

And I'm like, sure, let's take on some more.

My original plan was to exit from my job this week.

And then I felt bad.

So I didn't.

Despite the fact that I obviously have lots to get ready and to do here.

I just think it's my coping mechanism.

When I am worried, I take on projects so I don't have to process the feelings that are happening.

Which, if you guessed it, causes more stress and more worry.

There's just so many things I want to do.

I'm Still Leaving

I want to make sure that I see the people that I care about here before I leave.

I realize that I'm coming back.

Obviously, I'm coming back.

But it's still—I'm still leaving.

Like, I'm gonna be gone, guys.

I'm not gonna be able to see my family every day.

Not in person.

I won't be able to hang out with friends, although I don't actually do that now.

I just recognize it's going to be different.

And I don't know how to handle that emotionally.

I am worried that I am going to get back to California.

That's where I'm going.

And I'm going to burst into tears.

And I'm just gonna be overwhelmed by all my emotions.

Some of them good.

Some of them bad.

I think I'm obviously gonna mourn the fact that I'm not here with my family.

That's a big deal to me.

I am going to be excited to be there.

I'm gonna be really nervous about starting a new job.

I'm gonna be really apprehensive about seeing my mom.

We have a tumultuous relationship.

And I have put on weight.

And I know I'm going to hear about how much weight I've put on.

And I am not prepared for it.

I keep trying to get my mind ready for it.

And I'm not prepared for it.

I know it's gonna go badly.

I'm just hoping it doesn't end up with me in a corner somewhere.

But I have safe plans to help with that too.

I have not visited my family in years.

I Really Want to See My Dad

I really want to see my dad.

I really want to spend time with my dad.

I am daddy's girl.

I will always be daddy's girl.

He just has been my favorite person since forever.

Well, next to my mom and then his mom.

So I'm really excited to have the chance to do that.

I've got sisters and brothers over there.

So I'm really excited to maybe connect with some of them.

Hang out.

Meet my brother's wife.

I didn't get the chance to go to their wedding.

I just—I'm excited and I'm nervous.

Because I don't know how this is gonna go.

Let me be by myself.

I am going to be by myself.

I will have roommates because that's the situation I'm looking at now.

But it's gonna be scary.

I'm excited.

I Still Don't Know What to Pack

I still don't know what to pack.

Do I take all my clothes?

Do I take some of my clothes?

Do I pack for all the seasons, knowing that California doesn't get all the seasons?

I'm thinking to myself, sorry.

Do I take all my pens?

All my pens.

My safety net.

I could say no, not take all my pens.

But if we don't take my pens, that means when I get really anxious, what am I gonna do?

I'm gonna buy more pens.

Because again, coping mechanism.

I have all these feelings and they just knot up inside me.

And I don't know how to productively let them out.

I mean, idealistically, I would take all of this feeling and I'd go for a run.

But bugs.

And it's really dark on my street.

Like, I live in the country, so it's not like I'd be running on a sidewalk that's well lit.

I'd be out in the middle of nowhere with whatever deer and fox that were wandering around.

So I'm kind of excited for California for that reason because I might actually get into shape, guys.

I might actually run.

I might go to a gym.

You might see me on a journey that you have not seen me on yet.

We've Seen Me on This Mental Health Journey

We've seen me on this mental health journey.

We know that some days I'm really good, and other days I'm a crying mess.

I start off well and somehow end up bawling halfway through my journal.

But today I'm just—I think it's a nervous energy.

You see me fidgeting because I, again, I don't know.

I don't know how to keep the feelings calm.

I go back and forth on my decision every moment.

Well, it could be positive if I do this.

Well, it could be positive if I do that.

Well, there's the negative side to this.

Well, there's a negative side to that.

I recognize I have a great opportunity.

It's a wonderful opportunity.

I am so excited to be able to go back to the place that I called home for so many years, get paid to be there, and see my family.

It Is Not the Ideal Situation

It is not the ideal situation.

If I could take my kid with me, I would.

In a heartbeat.

Unfortunately, I can't do that.

Most of you know why.

I just—

Things are so close to being exactly how I want them and then something always happens.

And I feel like that's the story of my life.

I get just close enough to what I want, and then something happens.

So I have this home and my dogs and my children and all that.

So I get this job that puts me back home and my family.

I'm Choosing Between My Family and My Family

So I'm choosing between my family and my family.

I don't know.

It just feels wrong.

And a part of me wants to be happy about it.

But then I feel like I don't have the right to be happy about it because there's so many people who aren't gonna be happy about it.

Yeah, they're happy for me.

But they're not happy.

And that makes me sad because I don't like disappointing people.

And I think that's my concern.

My concern is that I'm disappointing all those I care about.

Even today, when I was trying to get things set up for my husband's streaming, I got most of it taken care of.

There was one piece I couldn't finish before he started tonight.

And the first thing I did was beat myself up over it.

And I'm just like, I'm so sorry.

I'm so stupid.

I can't believe I didn't get this done.

Like, I don't understand why it took me so long.

And he was just, hey, you know, it took me two weeks to figure out this piece for my streaming.

And I'm like, right, but I'm not you.

I'm really good with technology.

And I don't mean that as a slight to him.

I'm just really good with technology.

And the fact that I couldn't figure it out quickly enough for him to do what he wanted to do tonight—

I'm Gonna Critique Everything That I Do Heavily

I think that for the next little while I'm gonna critique everything that I do heavily.

One, because, I mean, mental health says that everything I do is wrong.

Two, my birthday's coming up, so you know what season it is.

I just am extra hard on myself.

And I'm being extra hard on myself now because I've got so many things to get done.

And I have them listed, like, in my head.

If you could see the file decks in my head of all the things that I have prepared to take care of, to get done, to check off—

And then to see me do everything but the thing that's on my list.

I Am Great With Procrastinating

I am great with procrastinating in the sense that I will put things off forever.

And then when I have to get them done, I will get them done.

So again, I have a running list of what I'm packing, what I'm taking, all of that.

I have not started in any way, shape, or form with packing or taking anything with me.

I know that I need to get some things taken care of here.

I want to get stocked up and taken care of and ready for my family.

Haven't done that.

I feel like I need to make lists and plans.

And I haven't done that.

I feel like that's the repeat of my life today.

I haven't done that.

I am not as prepared as I want to be.

And it's stressing me out.

And because it's stressing me out that I'm not as prepared as I want to be, I try to control the things that I can't control and don't do the things I need to do.

How often does that happen?

How often do you say, like, hey, I really need to get this thing done?

I don't like it.

It makes me feel uncomfortable.

So I'm gonna do anything but the one thing I need to do.

That's where I'm at.

There's No Starbucks Where I Live

And I can't even give myself the motivation I would usually give myself.

Because usually it'd be like, well, if you get this done, you can have Starbucks.

There's no Starbucks where I live.

The nearest Starbucks is thirty minutes away.

I really shouldn't be driving thirty minutes away to, like, reward myself.

I know that.

I know that.

I do.

However, I am not getting anything accomplished.

That's not true.

I did get something accomplished.

I Got All My Journals Listed

I got all my journals listed.

All ten of them.

They're up on Amazon for the world to see.

And then I took care of my husband's stuff.

And I made dinner.

I was gonna make meatballs.

And then I was like, you know what?

I'm out of pepper.

So I sent my husband to the store to get pepper.

In my head, I had said, I should probably check the cheese.

Didn't do it.

He gets home, and as soon as he walks in the door, he's like, hey!

So he's like, we might need something else.

We might need something else.

So I checked the cupboard and, sure enough, the cheese I needed wasn't there.

And so now I'm, like, scurrying.

So he's like, go back out and get it.

No.

It's not worth it.

We can do it tomorrow.

I'll make it work.

But what am I gonna make for dinner tonight?

We Had French Toast for Dinner

I have picky-ish eaters in the sense that my kid has a sensory issue, as do I with certain things.

And my husband doesn't like vegetables.

He eats like a five-year-old would.

No vegetables.

So what I cook for dinner is fairly limited on what I can get them to eat.

So I was like, great.

I could make fish, but I don't have any sides to go with that.

Because it's not like I have potatoes.

And I had mac and cheese for lunch.

I wasn't doing that again.

So I thought, you know, I'll make French toast.

So we had French toast for dinner because Mom was so scatterbrained that she didn't get the stuff she needed to make the dinner she wanted.

She will have it tomorrow.

Maybe.

Idealistically.

We'll see what happens.

I Just Know That I Need to Calm My Brain Down

I just know that I need to calm my brain down.

And I know that that's gonna start with me breathing.

Giving myself the chance to breathe in and breathe out.

And that sounds ridiculous.

And I know how ridiculous it sounds.

And yet my brain will do everything but settle down and breathe.

I just have twenty moving pieces that I'm stressing myself out more.

So my plan is to make an actual list.

Not just the running list in my head.

Because that's usually what I do.

I make a running list in my head and say, okay, I need to take care of this.

But I can't see it to check it off.

Which means it gets to change.

So, like, hey, you have this stuff to do today.

Well, but you have this other stuff to do today.

And it's a running list, so whatever comes on can be added.

Versus a this-is-your-list-of-stuff-you-have-to-do.

Check it off.

I'm gonna need one of those.

Because I'm Me, I Want to Overstock My Fridge and Freezer

I also, because I'm me, want to, like, overstock my fridge and freezer before I leave so that my family can eat.

I know that if I make pre-made food for my husband, he'll eat it.

I just—

I know I cannot pre-cook meals from here to eternity.

I get that.

I want them to feel like I'm still here.

And I want them to feel like I'm still a part of their lives.

And I'm worried that I won't be needed.

And I won't be as important anymore.

And then people will forget why they had me around to begin with.

So I throw myself into being busy.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

I took my kid to school where we laughed and joked.

I got myself a donut and a coffee.

Two coffees.

They're the Starbucks jar ones.

I don't count them as a reward.

I hung out with my dogs.

I helped set up my husband's computer.

He's out there cheering.

I can hear him from here.

I did a job interview.

Six minutes.

And I am almost certain I got the job.

Today I didn't do the things that I needed to do.

But I still did things.

And I think that it's important that we give ourselves credit, even if it wasn't exactly what we wanted it to look like.

So, no, I didn't do all the things that I need to get done.

And that's out of fear.

But I give myself credit for the things I did accomplish.

Because I recognize that with me leaving, I only get so many days of making memories before I'm not here.

And as important as it is to pack up all my stuff, I'm not against shopping for new clothes.

Let's be real.

I know where the outlets are.

Michael Kors.

I'm not against having to replace a few things that I need to replace.

I can't replace my family.

So that's my priority right now.

That was my day.

Hectic.

Frantic.

All over the place.

But today I didn't cry.

Today I laughed and I smiled and I had a good day.

And I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a lot more of the same.

But it's me.

So there's no telling.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.