Dear Unchosen Me: One Person Isn’t Everybody

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Have you ever sat and wondered why you were so hard to love?

What made others choose another option over you?

I have.

I do.

It's a battle that I fight constantly.

And if I'm being honest, most days I lose.

Today has been rough.

I Keep Asking Questions I Already Know the Answers To

I'm still not feeling very well.

I had things I needed to take care of this morning.

My husband wasn't feeling great either.

We had an errand to run, so I drove.

And while we were on the road, I was making conversation.

Talking about all the things that I want to do.

How we should do them.

How to make them work.

What the schedules would look like.

The whole thing.

And at best?

I felt like I was meeting resistance.

He says he wasn't feeling any sort of way.

I'm not one to question that.

That's how he feels.

That's what he's saying.

Maybe his head was hurting.

Maybe he just didn't feel like talking.

But I kept asking questions.

Questions that I already know the answers to.

He's Not Wrong

A little while ago, he was here in my office.

He said that we keep having the same conversations over and over again when I already know the answers.

He's not wrong.

We do.

I do.

I keep asking questions hoping that the answer will be different.

And the answer is never different.

Tonight I told him that the reason I ask questions and have conversations over and over again is because people grow.

Answers change.

But tonight?

I'm hearing him say his answers aren't changing.

The Problem Isn't That I Don't Hear Him

The problem isn't that I don't understand him.

The problem is me.

I'm waiting in hopes that one day the answer is different.

Even though I know the answer won't be.

He's very right about that.

He's very honest about that.

It's the same conversation.

I don't know why I keep expecting the answer to change.

The Logic in My Head Makes Sense

For me, I've convinced myself that the reasons why the answers are one way are because of something fundamental.

And if that thing fundamentally changes—

then the answer will be different.

The logic in my head makes sense.

I believe it with all my heart.

All my mind.

But just because I believe it doesn't make it true.

That's How Mental Health Works

We believe in something so hard.

Whether it's good or bad.

We just have an unwavering faith in it.

And we don't know how to let go of that belief.

I have had the belief since I was a little girl that nobody wants me.

That no matter who comes into my life—

nobody would choose me.

I Have Great Friends

Let me clarify.

I have great friends who would walk the earth for me.

And I appreciate that so much.

But that's never what I mean when I say I'm not chosen.

Yes.

I have great friends.

That's not the same thing as a family.

I recognize that friends can become family.

But you're always going to mourn that family that you were supposed to have.

I Wasn't Chosen

I'm one of seven kids.

Nobody talks to me.

It's just what it is.

I don't expect more.

I don't get more.

Then I date.

And I keep looking for the person to choose me.

I think that's why I've had the relationships I've had.

Because someone was going to choose me.

I wasn't going to give up on that.

And then I met my husband.

And he chose me.

But He Chose Me

I used to believe that.

Then things became different.

You learn that being chosen looks different.

The concept of how you're chosen changes.

As a kid, it was your mom and dad showing up to your games.

Your performances.

That's how you knew they chose you.

That's how you knew you were special.

Being Chosen Looks Different as an Adult

For your husband or your significant other, it looks like taking an interest in your day.

Your life.

Your interests.

What's going on with you.

What's new.

What's changing.

It also looks like knowing fundamentally what they want and helping them achieve those goals.

That's where my chosen feels broken.

I Just Wish I Didn't Have to Do Them Alone

I have a ton of goals.

Things I want to accomplish in life.

From afar, my husband does support them.

He's very much:

Go after the things you want.

And I appreciate that.

I just wish I didn't have to do them alone.

I didn't want a partner so that I could do things by myself.

I Thought We'd Make Time for Each Other

When I thought of a relationship and a marriage, I thought it would be where you just wanted to interact with each other.

I'm not one of those:

You have to be on me 24/7.

I'm not even a big physical touch person.

But I assumed it would look like us making time for each other.

Making time for the things that we wanted to do.

That would be important.

Sometimes One Person Gives More

That's human nature.

Some days I'm going to give 10 percent.

He's going to give 90.

And vice versa.

But it should be vice versa.

It should be between the two of you.

Not just on one person all the time.

And man—

today I felt very unchosen.

It Feels Like More and More He Chooses to Be by Himself

He was tired.

He said he was going to nap.

Okay.

He got up from his nap.

Then kind of sat by himself.

Okay.

It feels like more and more he chooses to be by himself.

And then I remember that given the opportunity to hang out with me or be by myself—

I'd probably be by myself too.

I Don't Know How to Make Myself Lovable in the Way I Need

I don't know how to make myself likable or lovable to somebody in the way that I need to feel likable or lovable.

I can be a good friend.

I think.

I can be very helpful.

Very compassionate.

I'm a very good listener.

I'm a good problem solver for the most part.

I think those qualities as a friend are great.

They work wonders.

As a spouse?

I feel like they leave you wanting much more.

His Answers Don't Change

I feel like he wants much more than what he got with me.

He is right.

He has the same conversations over and over.

His answers don't change.

And I just end up with my own feelings hurt.

He'd rather not hurt my feelings.

So it's easier just not to have the conversation.

Life Doesn't Always Turn Out the Way You Imagined

You get this idea in your head of what you imagine life to be like.

What you'll be when you grow up.

What your house will look like if you bought a house.

How you'd raise kids if you had children.

Then life sometimes has this cruel trick where your life doesn't turn out anything like that.

Today I Feel Unchosen

I feel like I could disappear and nobody would notice.

Nobody would care.

And I know that's not true.

I know there are people who would notice.

I know there are people who would care.

When I say no one—

it's usually referring to very specific people.

It's always the same people.

I Wish the Love I Receive Outweighed the People I Feel Don't Want Me

I wish that would change.

I wish all the love that I do receive—

all the people who do care about me—

outweighed the couple of people I feel like don't want me.

I wish that's how that worked.

I wish in mental health it was so much easier to focus on the positive than it was the negative.

Unfortunately, that's not how that works.

There Are Two People I Keep Wanting to Pick Me

I have great friends who support me in all my endeavors.

They're like:

Go.

Go do the things you need to do for yourself.

But there's my husband.

And there's my mom.

Those are the two people I keep wanting to pick me.

And they're the two people I can't impress.

They're the two people who aren't reaching out to spend more time with me.

They're the two people who probably know the least about me.

I Still Find Myself Fighting for It

Despite knowing that's not really a relationship I want—

it's still one I find myself fighting for.

Fighting myself against.

Hurting myself for.

My Bite of Pie

Today was a hard day.

I tried to make myself feel better.

I took a nap.

I watched movies on my couch.

I made it all nice and dark in my living room while I listened to the thunderstorm.

I love thunderstorms.

That was my bite of pie.

It wasn't anything big.

I didn't move mountains.

I didn't change lives.

I enjoyed a thunderstorm.

I listened to the rain.

I didn't dance in it like I wanted to.

But that's okay.

One day I'll get back to dancing in the rain.

One Person Isn't Everybody

Today I bit back the feelings that said nobody wants me.

That nobody cares.

And I corrected it.

From:

Nobody.

To:

The person that it feels like doesn't.

Because one person having an opinion isn't everybody having an opinion.

It isn't everybody's feelings.

My bite of pie today was not catastrophizing it.

It was saying:

They're entitled to feel how they feel.

And I can't do anything about that.

I'm Done Having the Same Conversation

I can never make those answers change.

I will never make those answers change.

That conversation will continue to be the same as long as I continue to have it.

And honestly?

I'm done having it.

I have big decisions to make.

I'm going to sit down with the people who matter most and make those decisions.

Because it doesn't just affect my life.

It affects people that I care about.

And I am going to rewrite my story one page at a time.

Over and over again.

Until I get it right.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.