Dear Silent Me: Being Alone When You’re Around People

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Have you ever thought that it would be easier to make moves, make plans, follow through with them if nobody knew about them?

The idea or the plan would just work better with the least amount of people knowing.

With everything going on, I find that I've been very quiet about the details of things.

I've told very few people what the job entails.

Where it has me going.

My parents don't know, despite that being one of the main factors.

I haven't told people when I plan on making the changes.

How I'm planning on making the changes.

They're in my head.

I know how I want it to happen.

I have a plan.

And I know how I want to execute it.

The More People Who Know, the More I'm Going to Falter

I think people have already counted me out.

They expect me to fail.

Give up.

Turn around.

I think that if I let myself share the details, I'll let someone talk me out of them.

So I've stayed silent.

But in my silence, I've noticed things.

And I don't know if that's just me being emotional or vigilant.

But I notice things.

Things that cause me pause.

Not necessarily concern.

Things that have me picking at myself more often than they should.

Things that bother me.

Saturday Means Laundry

We know in my household that Saturday means laundry.

I love my routines.

This morning I got a phone call at 5:30 from one of my kiddos who needed to talk.

And if you know anything about me, I answered that phone call.

I sat on the phone.

I think I fell asleep while I was on the phone.

So I'm sorry to my kiddo for that.

But they knew that if they needed to call and talk to somebody, I'd answer.

And I did.

We were on the phone for quite some time.

I Asked for an Emotional Support Donut

I asked my husband to get me a donut the night before.

I called it an emotional support donut.

Because last night was hard.

Yesterday's podcast was hard.

I got off my podcast and distracted myself.

Then it got harder.

And it was harder to distract from it.

When it was all said and done last night, I asked for an emotional support donut.

My husband said sure.

We could talk about what was going on when he was done working.

This morning, by the time he got done playing poker and got me a donut, I was on the phone with one of the kids.

He came in.

Listened to me talk to them.

And then he just kind of went to bed.

Today It Made Me Emotional

We had some things I needed to take care of today.

I knew he probably needed sleep.

So I suggested that we push it back to tomorrow so he could get the sleep that he needed.

He said okay.

He set his alarm.

And that was kind of it.

I went back to bed.

When I got up, it was probably ten-ish or eleven-ish.

I finally felt recharged enough to get up and get moving.

So I did.

I got up.

Went to the bathroom.

Started planning how I wanted my day to go.

My husband asked if I was okay.

And yeah.

I am okay.

Then he went to the bathroom.

And out of nowhere—

he closed the door.

Typically, that act in and of itself would not bother me.

Today?

It made me emotional.

Am I Bothering You?

I was like:

Why'd you close the door?

Why do you need privacy?

You're just going to the bathroom.

I don't understand.

Then I did that thing you guys know I do.

Where I ask questions that I shouldn't ask.

I said:

Am I bothering you?

And he said:

Yeah.

So I walked away to give him the privacy.

When he was done, I went and took my shower.

A good portion of my shower I spent feeling angry and upset because my husband considered me trying to interact with him as bothering him.

And I realized how ridiculous that sounds.

He Has the Right to Ask for Privacy

I recognized instantly that he has the right to ask for privacy without it being a slight to me.

But for some reason this morning?

That's how it felt.

So I continued my shower.

Washed my hair.

Did the whole process.

Calmed myself down.

It's not that big of a deal.

You're probably making something out of nothing.

Great.

The Day Still Felt Off

Then me and the dogs went out to the living room.

We hung out.

We did our breakfast.

My dogs and I have a Saturday routine where we do big breakfasts together.

And we just kind of chill until my husband gets up.

Around three-ish.

Four-ish.

But again, the day still felt off.

Something felt wrong.

It's almost as if I am looking for a reason to be upset even though I do not want a reason to be upset.

There are just little things that get to me.

Little things that are bugging me.

And instead of brushing them off—

I am dwelling on them.

It's Football Season in My Household

My husband is a huge Chiefs fan.

Has been since he was a little kid.

It used to be that he was very adamant about me watching with him.

Oh my gosh.

You have to watch with me.

You have to watch with me.

You have to watch with me.

I'm not the hugest football fan.

I'm okay with it.

But it's not my go-to sport.

Still—

it was nice having him ask me to join him.

If We Had a Nice Spread of Food, I'd Be There

For the longest time, we joked about it.

Well, if we had a nice spread of food, I'd be there.

And that was the joke.

This year he hasn't seemed to care whether I'm there or not.

So I asked him about it today.

The game today.

He said:

Yeah, I thought about watching it.

And I said:

Okay.

Are we going to have any kind of food there?

He said:

No, we just have leftovers.

I said:

But the deal has always been that if I'm going to watch the game with you, we're going to have a nice spread.

And he said:

Yeah, well, you know, I was just thinking this and this and that.

And I said:

Okay.

I Didn't Need Anything

He had come to ask me about going to the store.

So I said:

Can I just go with you?

He said:

Yeah, sure.

You can go along.

So we left.

We walked around.

I didn't need anything.

I was just going to spend time with him.

And again—

things seemed prickly.

I kept thinking:

It's got to be me.

It's got to be the stress of everything going on.

I Didn't Want to Add More Stuff to Him

We finished up at the store.

He was supposed to go to Subway for our kid.

I wanted to stop at Scooters.

He just seemed so agitated.

And I was like:

Nope.

Never mind.

Forget it.

Not in a mean way.

Not mad.

Just:

You seem upset.

I don't want to add more stuff to you if you're already upset.

He said:

Well, I'm frustrated.

And I said:

Okay.

I understand that.

So I'll skip the portion of my stuff that I wanted to do.

Grab a drink.

Get tacos.

I'm Not in the Headspace for That

He asked:

Are you okay?

You seem kind of anxious.

And I said:

I'm a bit anxious at this point.

He said:

I'm sorry I made you anxious.

And I said:

It's just—

you're upset.

You seem angry.

You're snappy.

And I'm not in the headspace to deal with that.

He asked:

Do you want to go?

And I said:

Yeah.

I'd just like to go home.

It's fine.

We Tried Again

So we made plans and went home.

Then the plans changed again because we weren't able to get Subway while we were out.

I suggested:

You seem to be calmer now.

Would you like to try again?

He said yes.

So we tried again.

This time it went off much better.

We got to the places we needed to get to.

We got through it.

But he still felt distant.

I Don't Know How Else to Describe It

I'm just kind of waiting for this moment where we tell a joke and laugh.

Where we interact with each other.

Where we enjoy interacting with each other.

And it doesn't come.

We got back home.

I ate my lunch.

He wasn't really interested in eating at the time.

He took care of a few things.

He came back out.

He called his son.

And at that point he wasn't really interacting with me.

So I came back to my office.

The Running Joke Didn't Happen

The joke had been all day long that during the football game I was going to take a nap.

Joking.

Because again:

Oh my gosh, I don't want to watch the game.

And:

Oh my gosh, I want you to come join me.

It's been our running joke for a long time.

The game started almost an hour ago.

I went up to the living room to kind of see what was going on.

He's laying there with his headphones in.

The game playing on his phone.

Pillow between his legs.

He doesn't notice I walked into the room.

I wait.

And I wait.

The dogs kind of nudge at him.

They look at me.

He's just—

out.

I'm guessing he was half asleep or asleep.

So I came back to my office.

Being Alone When You're Around People

And again—

it's this dreading feeling.

This:

Being alone when you're around people feeling.

The idea of him getting up at the time he gets up is so that he can spend time with family.

Yesterday I asked him to do something.

He was busy because he had to work.

He plays poker online.

I said:

Okay.

Then I was really upset about something else.

He came into my office.

Saw that I was upset.

And I said:

Do you want to just hang out with me?

He said:

I wish I could, but I have to work.

And I said:

Yeah.

Okay.

I understand.

I wasn't expecting you to stop.

I Know He's Trying to Get His Business Off the Ground

He said:

I know I haven't spent a lot of time with you recently.

I'm just really trying to get this off the ground so we can pay our bills.

And I'm like:

Yeah.

I know.

And that's where it's been for like the last month.

He's doing what he needs to do to get his business off the ground.

It's poker.

So it takes a minute.

That doesn't make me upset or bitter in the slightest.

But at the same time—

I feel secondary.

I Don't Even Know If Secondary Is the Correct Term

Because I've felt secondary to lots of things in our relationship.

And I feel like I've just gotten pushed further and further down.

He's got all these things going on in his life.

But that's just it.

It's his life.

And it's my life.

We don't have it in our life.

So again—

it's just noticing all the things.

And wondering if I am building them up in my head because mental health does that.

Or if I'm experiencing what I'm seeing.

I'm Trying Not to Jump to Conclusions

It's really easy to do.

It's really easy to go in swinging.

Angry.

And that's tiring.

I don't have the mental capacity to do that today.

That's why I said:

Let's just turn around if you're going to be upset or frustrated.

I don't have the space to argue and fight today.

Or listen to anybody argue and fight today.

So I was just going to tap out.

But it's weird to me that even with knowing the changes happening—

this is still the distance while I'm sitting right here.

What Does That Say?

What does that mean?

I know I don't have to look for a meaning in everything that I do.

But my brain functions when I understand things.

And I don't understand it.

I may never understand it.

Sometimes I have to accept that I may not get the answers to questions that I have.

Not everything has a neat bow in it the way that I want it to.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was talking to several of my kiddos.

It's really touching that I meant enough to them for them to keep in contact with me.

I always hope that I had that effect on people.

But I'm never certain I had that effect on people.

The fact that three of my kiddos called me today and were like:

Nope.

We just want to talk to you.

Feels really good.

I love it.

My kiddo at home—

when I picked him up last night, he was with his friend and said:

This is my mom.

He said it jokingly.

But just hearing that felt so good.

So reassuring.

My bite of pie has been my kiddos.

The interactions with them have been top notch in the last twenty-four hours.

And I got my laundry done.

Which to others isn't that big of a deal.

But for me, there is something satisfying about finishing my laundry and putting it all away.

Yes.

It's weird.

I get that.

I just like doing laundry.

Not Everything Comes in a Tidy Little Box

That's my bite of pie today.

Realizing that not everything comes in a tidy little box.

Gift wrapped.

With bows on top.

I don't always have the answers to everything I want answers to.

Such is life.

I hope that wherever you are, you're not just staying silent.

You're letting people see you.

You're not hiding away.

Because while I'm not hiding, I know that what I'm doing also isn't the healthiest.

I just don't know where to go from there.

So instead of staying completely silent—

I share my journal.

For those who listen to my journal:

They know what I'm doing.

They hear me.

They see me.

They love me.

They care.

And for those of you who don't know me personally and still show up—

I appreciate you.

A lot.

It's nice to know that there are people out there who understand.

That they're going through similar things.

I hate that you guys are suffering through some of the mental things that I'm going through.

But I'm thankful that we're not alone.

Today is another page in the story.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.