Dear Afraid Me: Scary Doable, Not Scary Impossible

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Is there something in your life that you are irrationally afraid of?

The kind of afraid where you know it’s harmless, but it still overcomes you.

You can’t shake it.

I have several fears like that.

And most of my fears are indeed irrational.

I don’t know where they come from.

They just exist.

Basically, If It Scurries or Flies, I’m Out

There is my insane fear of insects.

If I see a bug, I’m gonna freak out.

I’ve gotten better with it.

There is my unnatural fear of butterflies.

I don’t know what it is about them.

But they scare me.

I have decided that they’re out to get me and they’re gonna fly into me, and I don’t know what happens from there.

There is my fear of crickets and grasshoppers.

Super random.

Basically, if it scurries or flies, I’m out.

But those are like everyday random fears.

You know, people being afraid of bugs is a thing.

That Spidey Sense I Had Yesterday

Yesterday I talked about how I was skeptical.

And I was saying how it was one thing, just like one instinct-y thing, that kind of made me question something else.

And so I sat on it for a good portion of last night.

And then it came down to making a decision about staying or leaving my job this week.

And I decided that it was best for me and everything going on if I left and focused on getting ready to leave.

And that Spidey sense that I had yesterday?

Right on target.

I clocked that.

It was weird.

The response I got was weird.

The way that it came across was weird.

But I’m done dealing with it.

I Recognized How Afraid I Am of Upsetting Somebody

But then I recognized how afraid I am of upsetting somebody.

And I don’t mean like the kind of upsetting somebody where they’re throwing things at you or hitting you.

I think that’s naturally a reason to be afraid.

I am so fearful of hurting somebody, making them angry, disappointing them.

It is a fear of mine.

And the more I did things today, the more I recognized that fear.

I was so scared last night to put in my notice.

Although it’s a job.

You know, we get jobs, we leave jobs.

That’s how that works.

I don’t think I’ve ever given a notice and felt comfortable with it.

Because, my gosh, they’re gonna be mad at me that I’m leaving.

And while I know that I don’t matter in the long scheme of things, the idea of having to tell my boss that I am leaving terrifies me.

So I sent that email.

And I was just waiting for, like, the phone calls and the shaming to begin.

And while I didn’t get phone calls, I did get an email from my previous job.

Nothing like I was afraid of.

It was one of those like, “Hey, you know, we’ve heard nice things about you since you started. We understand the situation. You have to do what’s best for you. If you should ever need hours when you get back, let us know.”

Huh.

That was not what I anticipated.

That was weird.

But okay.

The Idea of Having to Ask That Question Made Me Feel Horrible

So then I’m looking for places to live.

Because, I mean, I don’t really want to live out of a car in California.

And I am talking to different people and I’m looking at different places, and I’m doing all the things that I need to do virtually because I can’t be there.

And I’m having these conversations about pricing and things of that nature.

And one of the guys came back to me and says, you know, this is the price of this room.

It’s California.

So it’s high.

To most people.

For me, it’s not high.

That’s what I’m used to.

I’m from California.

And it was suggested that I ask, like, “Well, hey, because I’m signing a lease for this long, could you knock the price down?”

And the idea of having to ask that question made me feel horrible.

Like, that’s gonna be insulting.

He’s gonna be angry.

Why would I ask that?

Which is weird, because if it’s me buying and selling something, I will negotiate.

I can haggle all day long.

But the idea of talking to somebody about apartment pricing?

That’s mean.

I can’t do that.

No.

No, thank you.

But I sent a message and then just kind of cowered in a corner until my phone went off.

And the guy’s like, “Yeah, I can lower it to this amount.”

That didn’t go the way I thought it was gonna go.

Same with another person that I talked to today.

I was like, “Well, hey, could you do this? Would you allow this? Could this work?”

And yeah.

How Many Times Have I Stopped Myself?

And then it kind of made me think:

How many times have I stopped myself from doing something because I was afraid of the result that wasn’t the actual result?

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I talk myself out of doing things often because I am afraid it’s going to hurt somebody’s feelings.

It’s going to upset them.

So I shouldn’t do it.

To heck with my feelings and what I’m thinking and how it affects me.

What’s more important is how it’s going to affect them.

I mean, let’s think about it.

This job, I’ve been talking about it for days now.

I’m super excited about it.

I can’t wait to do it.

And I almost backed out last night because I didn’t want to give my notice in fear of upsetting somebody.

That seems on brand for me.

I will set my feelings aside.

I will set my own interests aside.

To make someone else feel better.

And then I wonder why I feel so bad.

When’s the Last Time I Just Said Yes to Me?

When’s the last time I just said yes to me?

What’s that like?

What’s it like to say, you know what?

It’s okay that they are gonna be a little uncomfortable.

It’s okay that they’re gonna be a little upset.

They have a right to those feelings, and yet I’m still doing what’s best for me.

Today when I was talking about it, someone brought up that it isn’t my job to make sure that my job has staffing.

I’m allowed to leave.

I am not required to stay until they find someone to replace me.

That does not fall on me.

And I thought about it because, well, yes.

That’s true.

That’s not my responsibility.

Why do I make it my responsibility?

Why have I decided that I can’t possibly leave somebody or leave something that doesn’t suit me anymore?

Do I do that in relationships?

Yes.

Do I do that with people?

Yes.

I Do That With Jobs and People and Books

I do that with jobs and people and books.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve started a book that I did not like, but I kept reading because I felt obligated to read it.

Because, well, that’s rude that I got the book and I didn’t finish it.

Who’s gonna know?

Besides me, who’s gonna know that I didn’t finish the book?

Well, but the author took the time to write it.

The least I could do is finish it.

And as I hear myself say those things, it sounds ridiculous.

Right?

Like...

Why?

Why do I care so much?

I Am Tiptoeing Around People Who Would Never Tiptoe Around Me

And I think, again, it’s this system built off of fear, right?

You’re afraid to leave your job because you don’t know where your next paycheck is gonna come from.

You don’t know how your bills are gonna get covered.

And they prey on that.

But the minute that they have any type of discomfort with you?

Bye.

Adios.

They don’t have that same fear.

I am tiptoeing around people who would never tiptoe around me.

And when I put it that way, it sounds crazy to me that I put myself in that position.

I don’t deserve to be in that position.

I deserve to choose me.

But I think at some point in time, in all of the years I’ve been alive, I’ve convinced myself that choosing me is a problem.

I’m supposed to always choose somebody else.

I’m supposed to take care of everybody else.

I’m supposed to worry about everybody else and their feelings to the detriment of my own.

And I’m great at it.

So instead of really hating everybody else, I just hate me.

So apparently I’m not that good at it, right?

Because if, in the end, I’m doing things and it’s making me not like myself, that doesn’t sound like a win.

Doesn’t sound like I’m gaining anything.

Sounds like I’m making my life miserable.

I’m Afraid, But I’m Gonna Do It

So today, I said, you know what?

I’m afraid, but I’m gonna do it.

I was afraid to send my notice, but I did it.

I was afraid to reach out to people for housing, but I did it.

I was afraid to ask and haggle for rent, but I did it.

My bite of pie?

I kicked ass.

When it came time to do something, even when I was afraid, I did it.

And it makes me proud of myself in a way.

Because I know that I’m just, I really don’t want to make that person feel uncomfortable.

And then when it didn’t make them feel uncomfortable, I was like, my gosh.

I dodged a bullet.

For asking a question?

I Did Scary Things Today

My bite of pie is that I did scary things today.

Not scary in a sense that my heart stopped or the jump scare.

Scary in the way that I don’t know what’s gonna happen, and I don’t know how to buffer the feelings that may come from it.

I don’t like seeing people angry or sad.

And I hate it even more if I’m the reason.

Now, with that comes a caveat.

Because if you pissed me off?

I’m not so afraid.

And I’ll go back at you.

It’s only when I feel like it’s unwarranted to hurt your feelings that I’m afraid to hurt your feelings.

I mean, I’m the type of person where my boss made me mad.

He decided that I wasn’t doing my job to his liking and that I needed to clear out all the merchandise in the back room that belonged to my department.

I had already tried that.

I knew that it didn’t fit.

I knew that it didn’t work.

There was no room for it.

Tried to convey that to him.

He’s one of those, “I’m right, you’re wrong” kind of people.

Alright.

Let’s do this.

And so I did exactly what he asked.

He said, “That stuff needs to go out on the floor.”

Okay.

I can do that.

And I brought it all out.

And I stuffed some of it on the floor and I threw it into shelf space where it didn’t belong.

And then when it was time for me to clock out, I walked my ass back to the time clock, walked right past him, clocked out.

He tried to say something to me, but I said, “Off the clock,” and kept walking.

I found out later that he wasn’t very happy about the stuff I put on the floor because it didn’t fit.

It was full.

It wasn’t needed.

So almost like I knew how to do my job, right?

And Meant It. With My Whole Chest.

Going forward, he and I had this really just prickly relationship.

He’d say something, and I’d instantly roll my eyes.

That’s who I am as a human.

And I remember we had inventory come up, and we have to watch the people who are counting our inventory.

So we’re walking with everybody, and somehow he ends up in the area that I’m in.

And we’re talking about our birthdays, and we’re both September babies.

And I make the comment of, with me, I either like you or I don’t like you when you’re a Virgo.

It’s either we get along great or I can’t stand you.

There’s no in-between.

And so I’m like, “Well, that makes sense then because, you know, you’re a Virgo. You’re just one of those ones that I hate.”

And he’s like, “Well, my mom’s a Virgo and she loves me.”

And I looked him dead in the face like, “Well, because she’s required to. She gave birth to you.”

And everybody looked at me.

And then everybody looked at him.

They’re like, “Damn, did you really just say that?”

And meant it.

With my whole chest.

It is what it is.

I am not shy if you piss me off.

But if it’s unwarranted, I’m afraid to say it.

I’m hesitant to say it.

I don’t want to hurt your feelings.

I don’t want to make you sad.

I don’t want to cause you any kind of ill will.

As long as you stay on my good side.

And I like to think, for the most part, it’s really easy to stay on my good side.

I tell people that you get to choose.

I can either be your best friend or your worst enemy.

And it’s always your choice.

Choose carefully.

Because once you cross that line to worst enemy, there is no coming back.

At all.

I’m not afraid then.

I’m just downright mean.

And generally speaking, at that moment, can’t say that I care.

Scary Doable, Not Scary Impossible

So how do I get to be not mean or abrasive, but how do I go from being the scared, timid me when I don’t need to be and embracing that I don’t give a fuck?

Sorry.

I think it takes practice.

I think it’s gonna be me forcing myself to do things when I don’t want to do them.

I can ask that question.

Yes, I’m sorry for causing you the discomfort, but it was really important that I ask.

I don’t have to be mean about it.

I can handle myself with a dignity that says, okay, yes, this is scary.

But it’s scary doable.

Not scary impossible.

You will not catch me climbing a mountain.

Rock climbing makes no sense to me.

To me, that is scary impossible.

On the flip side of that, I would love to go skydiving.

That is scary fun.

I don’t know how I distinguish the two in my head.

But in my head, one seems reasonable and the other one seems crazy.

Which is basically how my brain works.

My Bite of Pie

So today, I did the hard things.

And then I treated myself to my favorite food.

Mexican food.

It was delicious.

I’m thinking I must have been hungry because I ate my food in ten minutes flat.

Which is probably not healthy.

I will never go through a butterfly float.

Those are scary.

I won’t even walk through the butterfly area of the zoo because I’m afraid one will land on me.

I’m horrible.

My favorite season is fall, and yet moths freak me out.

So I’m just an anomaly.

And I understand that.

And that’s always how it’s gonna be.

But my bite of pie is that I did scary things today.

When it came time to do something, even when I was afraid, I did it.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.