Dear Old Me: Old Me Is Coming Back

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Do you ever catch yourself seeing a vision of you that you thought existed or a vision that you hoped you existed in?

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about the old me.

Which is kind of funny to me because this originally started with me talking to future me.

And as I prep and plan for all the things, old me keeps popping up.

Looking Forward to Meeting the Old Me

It’s the me that gets excited to try all the food places I’ve ever had before.

It’s the me that can’t wait to play on slides and swings.

It’s the me that can’t wait to go for walks or runs, because believe it or not, I used to.

It’s the me who laughed more than she cried.

I find myself looking forward to meeting the old me.

I also am very worried about the old me.

She is very courageous and she’s strong, but she puts a lot of emphasis on how she looks.

She puts a lot of emphasis on what others think of her.

And I can see traces of her coming through too.

Seeing My Dad Means Also Seeing My Mom

As I plan to go back home, I had been really excited to see my dad.

But seeing my dad means also seeing my mom.

And that scares me.

I can already hear her voice and imagine what she’s gonna say to me about my looks.

I used to be the thin one.

I am not the thin one at the moment.

And I know I’m gonna hear about it, and it’s gonna hurt my ego.

As I explained to my husband earlier tonight, as much as I want to see my dad, I’m afraid to go over looking like this.

I know I’m gonna hear something.

And I won’t have that same buffer to help me weed through the comments that she’s made, because I’ll be there by myself.

My birthday’s coming up.

And I would absolutely love for my birthday to see my dad.

It would be one of the best birthday presents ever.

I haven’t seen my dad on my birthday in years.

My dad’s probably one of my favorite people.

Always has been.

And just to see my dad and give him a hug and hear him laugh and then tease him about being his favorite would be the perfect way to spend my birthday.

But that also means the possibility of hearing the comments about how I’m getting old and how I’ve put on weight and how I’m not where my husband is.

And that old version of me?

She didn’t do well with those things.

She didn’t fight them.

She didn’t argue them.

She just buried them deep inside and she let them fester.

And that is the me that I’m currently worried about.

That Little Voice That’s Always in the Back of My Head

As I talk to friends who know that I’m going, they tell me, you know, don’t worry about it.

Forget about it.

Don’t let anybody ruin this for you.

And I’m trying my hardest.

But it’s there, you know?

It’s that little voice that’s always in the back of my head that tells me that I’m not good enough.

That I need to try harder.

Well, your sister’s doing this, and your brother’s accomplishing that.

And I’m, you know, just me.

I have a podcast and I write books, and I’m fantastic with children.

Although I don’t have any of my own.

I borrow others and make them mine.

I’m good at things.

I accomplish things.

Maybe not quite the things that she’s wanted me to accomplish.

I may not look like she wants me to look.

I may not be what she wants me to be.

I will probably be a disappointment.

Old me and current me, probably future me too, will always be her greatest disappointment.

I’m good at that, at least, right?

Expecting the Worst, Really Hoping for the Best

And I find that as I fret about it, I pick at it.

Because I have this nervous—not tick, I don’t think that’s the correct word—but this habit that when I’m nervous, I pick.

It used to be that I just bit my nails.

But as you can see, there isn’t much there to bite.

So at some point in time I went to picking off skin.

Tonight I picked too far and it hurt.

And I recognize that I’m antsy and that I am on edge about it.

Not unhappy.

Not scared.

Just expecting the worst.

Really hoping for the best.

Knowing that it’s not likely, but still excited to move forward.

So for me, it’s learning to weigh the good with the bad.

I know that there are going to be some parts of this journey that’ll be really hard for me.

I have to go home looking extremely different than I left, without my family that I made, without the friends that I’ve made.

I am on my own.

I’m starting a new job with new people.

Meeting new people.

But...

I Get Some of the Memories Back

I get some of the best food ever.

I get my cheesesteak shop back and In-N-Out.

And I get Bubba Gump.

I love Bubba Gump.

And I get Round Table and Mountain Mike’s.

I get Safeway sandwiches.

Which sounds unbelievably dumb, but I love those sandwiches.

I get some of the memories back that I feel like have been lost.

I cannot wait to go back to my hometown and go to Brigadoon Park and slide down the slide.

With cardboard, of course, because I don’t want to hurt myself.

If you know.

I can’t wait to visit Yosemite or Santa Cruz.

Walk around the pier in San Francisco.

I can’t wait to sit outside in the winter and enjoy the weather.

I can’t wait to meet with friends and go get dinners and go get lunches.

I’m really hoping to reconnect with some of my sisters.

Bring some of those relationships to where they should be.

I am excited because this is gonna be a great experience.

I’m going to make it a great experience.

I Am Going to Write This Chapter

I am going to write this chapter, and it’s going to be the best chapter I’ve had yet.

Because I get to write it.

And old me is just gonna have to learn that new me is in charge.

Even when new me’s not so sure how that’s supposed to go.

And so that’s how it’s been today.

You guys know that I’ve been planning this trip, that I’ve been putting the pieces together.

If you really know me, you know that putting the pieces together looks like I’ve gotten things in a list.

And I got it started, but I hadn’t dotted I’s, crossed T’s, because that is scary and it’s hard.

And so I’d been looking for places and I was going back and forth on several of them.

But I think part of that was, as long as I’m going back and forth on them, I can’t obtain one.

And then if I can’t obtain one, then it’s not real.

Today I Obtained One

Today I obtained one.

That was my bite of pie today.

I actually found a place that I like.

And I put a deposit down.

And I was scared.

Because I was just like, my gosh, that’s not money that I can get back.

Yes, I can still back out.

I recognize that.

But this is money I can’t get back.

So it’s kind of set in stone now.

It’s so real.

It’s so real.

I mean, yes, I’ve had the job offers.

Apparently I have another one coming.

I know.

Self-harm.

I’m not taking all the jobs.

I am seeing what’s worthwhile.

I think that I owe it to myself to say, hey, if I’m gonna do something, I may as well do it right.

May as well get paid my worth.

So I’m doing that.

I plan to write.

I plan to get back to where I like me.

Believe It or Not, I Used to Really Like Me

Because, believe it or not, I used to really like me.

I used to love dressing and wearing heels and dresses and getting my hair done.

My hair looks like a hot mess today.

I’ll be the first person to say it.

I like to get my scalp greased.

And I was telling my husband, like, with me leaving, it’ll be a while before it gets done, because my husband does it for me.

Which was my backward way of saying, “Hey, can I get that done tonight?”

And he said yes.

And he did it.

But when he does it, my hair looks even more wild than what it usually does.

And wild is how he described it, which is the reason why I’m using that word right now.

I don’t know how I feel about the idea that my hair is wild.

I thought some kind of way about that, but I haven’t settled on where that’s gonna go yet.

I describe my hair as curly.

Natural.

Wild?

I don’t know about that.

That Girl, She’s Still in Here

I’m just looking forward to finding the girl that used to exist.

The carefree one.

The one who was able to speak her mind and go out for the things that she wanted.

That girl, she’s still in here.

And she deserves a chance to come out and be healthy.

Healthy.

Key words on healthy.

Those are my dogs.

I am just ready to figure out what life is supposed to look like.

What’s it gonna be like?

What are the changes I’m gonna make?

Now, don’t expect me to get on here and be like, skinny.

Because I like to eat.

And I’m going home to where a lot of my favorite places are.

Mexican food is my weakness.

And it’s California.

So tamales galore.

I cannot wait.

And I know I make it sound like all I care about is food.

And I don’t.

But it’s just...

Those Things Bring Me Back to My Memories

Those things are the things that bring me back to my memories, you know?

Like, I salt and pepper my tomatoes and I eat them.

And I salt and pepper my eggs.

I eat my hard-boiled eggs.

And I know that’s not, like, wild or anything, but someone commented on how much pepper I use.

And, you know, they were just like, “You must really like pepper.”

And I don’t dislike pepper, obviously.

But the memory for me is that my grandmother used to heavily salt her homemade French fries.

And so whenever I salt and pepper my food, I think of her.

I debated having rice and eggs the other day.

White rice with sugar.

Scrambled eggs with salt and pepper.

Best combination ever.

And it made me think of my dad.

So many things are centered around memories with food for me.

Cream of wheat.

I love a good bowl of cream of wheat for breakfast.

And it always reminds me of my sisters and brothers because of how we sweetened it and how we would fight over who got more.

Food’s always gonna be part of my life.

I love baking.

Absolutely adore baking.

I used to bake with my mom’s mom, my grandmother.

And she was the one who taught me how to taste it to make sure it was okay.

Nope, if you taste it and it feels like you need something else, add some more to it.

We measure with our hearts.

Food Has Been a Central Part of My Life Since I Was a Little Girl

Food has been a central part of my life since I was a little girl.

I can remember being a little toddler walking around with a chicken bone in my mouth.

It was a big deal.

And so now part of the things that are a big deal for me are meals.

My family could tell you that I’m very big on, like, let’s make dinner and sit down at the table to eat together.

I love that.

I absolutely adore that.

And I know that’s gonna be really sad, that I have to eat alone in my bedroom.

Well, I don’t have to eat in my bedroom.

But I probably will.

There’s gonna be some changes.

I’m gonna have to either make more friends or reestablish relationships with old friends.

I’m horrible with keeping in touch sometimes.

And I think that’s because I’ve just decided that I am not worth bothering somebody.

So I typically won’t.

It’s not so much that they aren’t important to me.

It’s that I don’t want to interrupt their life.

And I know that’s something I have to work on.

So I will.

Old Me Is Coming Back

Old me is coming back.

Old me likes to keep in contact.

Old me likes to make friends.

Old me likes to go out.

Who knows?

Old me might even go dancing.

Old me loves karaoke.

So that might make an appearance.

I’m just excited for old me to come back out of her shell.

I’m ready for old me to make the appearance and say that it’s safe for her to come out and play.

Because she’s been hidden for far too long.

My Bite of Pie

So, my bite of pie today.

I acquired my place to live.

I have figured out how I’m getting there.

I have figured out, for the most part, what things are gonna look like for the day-to-day.

I am still planning on doing my podcast.

I’ve got all that stuff situated with what I’m packing, taking with me.

I’m not sure how the setup is gonna be.

But I’m excited and I’m ready to take you guys along.

And we’ll figure it out as we go.

I hope that your Friday is going amazing and that you’re catching traces of old you that you like and that you want to visit with.

That maybe you want to sit down and chat with, hold their hand and say, “Hey, we came a long way. But we can get back to what we want to be.”

I hope that you smiled way more than you cried.

I hope that if you had family fun night, that you won at whatever game you played and that the movie you watched was amazing.

If you’re eating by yourself because you enjoy that, I hope that each bite was just perfectly seasoned and melts in your mouth.

I hope that we all learn and we grow and we find the pieces of us that belong together.

And sometimes that’ll look like a piece of old you and a piece of current you and a piece of future you.

And then when we put all the pieces together, gloriously it’ll fit.

And it’ll be our unperfectly perfect selves.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.