Dear Emotional Me: I Can Celebrate Me

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Have you ever had so many emotions coursing through your body that it was impossible to name them?

It’s like, how do you expect to process emotions when they all seem to be there jumbled up?

That has been me today.

I am a plethora of emotions, and I don’t know which one’s predominant.

I’ve been giddy.

I’ve been silly.

I’ve been happy.

And then, if I’m really being honest, there’s parts of me that have been sad and nostalgic.

And I’m not sure where that all is supposed to line up.

I just know that it’s a lot of feelings.

I’m Not Addressing Any of the Other Millions of Feelings

Today I choose to focus on the more positive of the feelings.

I am laughing and I’m playing and I’m dancing and I’m singing.

But I notice that I’m not addressing any of the other millions of feelings coursing through me.

Because let’s be real.

There are several other things in my head.

Worries.

Concerns.

And I don’t know how to address them.

I want to say that I am ready for everything that’s coming.

I’m excited for it.

But ready for it feels so different.

This is the first time I’ve made this drive by myself.

This is the first time I have felt like this is something that I needed to do and have gone through with it.

I am hearing friends and family and everybody in between tell me how they feel about it and what they’re thinking.

And that always plays a part in how I move and what I do.

Usually I Would Change Everything I Was Doing

Usually, I would let that lead to me making decisions that aren’t in my best interest.

I would change everything that I was doing.

And this particular time I said, you know what?

It sucks that that’s happening that way, but that’s the situation.

The friends that I was planning on visiting before I left, I didn’t get to visit with them.

And instead of me saying, “Well, let me push everything back and try,” it was:

I would like to.

I just know that I can’t.

It’s not in the cards.

And I’m sorry.

It’s not intentional.

I just can’t.

With the exception of one special person.

One of my kiddos.

I haven’t seen her in forever.

So I am altering my trip to see her.

Which is causing, like, a four-hour delay.

But she’s worth it.

She hasn’t seen me.

I haven’t seen her in a long time.

So I’m gonna make that effort to do that before I leave.

But other than that, I’m doing what I feel is right for me.

Why Do I Deserve Something Good?

And it’s a strange feeling because I’m so quick to correct myself when I’m focusing on myself, right?

It’s like, why do I deserve something good when all these people in my life don’t have something good?

And I make it my job to make them happy and to provide them with that peace that I feel like they deserve.

The problem with that is that I ignore the peace that I also deserve.

I have spent so much of my life filling somebody else’s cup that mine has been empty for far too long.

And so I’m excited because, for once, I am doing something to fill my cup.

And it feels good.

Nobody Wants to Hear That I May Never Come Back

I don’t even know how to act.

Because on the one hand, I want to shout it from the rooftop that this is happening.

This is what’s going on.

But at the same time, I know it’s a sensitive subject with friends and family.

Nobody wants to keep hearing about how I’m leaving.

Nobody wants to hear that I may never come back ever again.

Nobody wants to hear, what if I get busy with life?

Nobody wants to think that things could drastically change.

And I get that.

Because why, right?

Why would you imagine life to change?

Your life is supposed to be a certain way.

People are supposed to be for you.

With you.

That’s what we know.

And what happens when that gets turned on its head?

I think that is what I’m experiencing.

Things Don’t Always Go According to Plan

I have this idea of what life is supposed to look like, both here and there.

And I have this plan.

Because I always have a plan.

But things don’t always go according to plan.

My goal isn’t to go out to California and never come back.

But it could happen.

My goal isn’t to forget about everybody that’s here.

But it could happen.

So I am trying to, I guess, prepare myself for what that looks like.

Does that mean I’m gonna forget my friends and my family?

No, it doesn’t.

But I also don’t think that it automatically means I’m running back to what’s here.

But I’m not running away from what’s here either.

And I think that it’s a complicated situation.

Which makes all the feelings surrounding it just that much more difficult.

Because you’ve got these friends and family that were just like:

“Go for it.”

“Do it.”

“You deserve it.”

“But come back.”

I Deserve to Be Happy, As Long as I Come Back?

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve to do what I want.

As long as I come back?

But if I’m happy doing that, what does that make me here?

And it’s such an interesting concept because no one’s necessarily thinking, she’s miserable here.

They’re just thinking, well no, she wants to see her family.

And I do.

I really, really do.

Best case scenario is that I go out there and I live my best life for the next nine months.

Worst case scenario, I go out there and I cannot wait to get back.

But what happens if that’s not the case?

What happens if I get out there and it’s just:

I’m home.

This is where I’m meant to be.

What if I go out there and I really love the traveling role?

And so next school year I pick another one.

What does that look like?

When you change the things, when you change the plans that you originally have, how do you prepare yourself and others for that?

And right now, I just don’t know.

I Still Have So Much More of My Life to Live

I don’t want to feel bad for wanting to do something fun.

And I’m not young by any stretch of the imagination.

But I’m not old either.

I still have so much more of my life to live and so many other things I’d like to do and accomplish that I would hate to turn it down because, well, that person over there doesn’t want me to do it.

I mean, I got my passport on a whim.

And when I say on a whim, I mean I worked with a family and the family was just like:

“Hey, you know, we’re going on this trip. Our child’s on the spectrum. We don’t really get to do vacations the way we want to do them because either me or my husband are always watching the child. Would you like to go?”

Yes.

“Would you like to ask your husband?”

No.

“Do you want to talk about it with him first?”

No.

And it’s not that I don’t respect my husband’s opinion.

It was just, in the grand scheme of things, I wasn’t gonna let someone tell me that I can’t take this opportunity.

It’s a big opportunity.

And of course, when I talked to my husband, he said just that.

“No, I wouldn’t stop you from doing that. Go get your passport and go.”

So I got my passport and I went out of the country for two weeks.

Had a great time.

If I can do that and I can do this, what’s gonna stop me from saying no in the future?

That’s Not the Real World

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to say no.

I would say yes and everything would work out.

Either my partner would come with me.

My family would be able to come with me.

Things would just magically be what I need it to be.

That’s not the real world.

I can’t say with any sort of certainty that if I ever were to move somewhere outside of the state—I mean move, not temporary relocate—I don’t think my husband would go.

He’s told me he would.

But never once has there ever been a show of effort that he would do that.

So the expectation then isn’t that that’s what I expect from him.

I expect for him to say no.

But at the same time, I would love to live other places.

I’d love to see other places.

I’ve had goals to visit every state in the U.S. since forever.

I’m nowhere near that.

And of course, for me, I only count it as visiting if you stay overnight.

Maybe I Go on Vacations and He Enjoys Home With Our Dogs

But if you have somebody who doesn’t care about leaving the state and is happy where they are, what does that mean?

I don’t know if it’s that we’re just too different.

I don’t know if it’s that we just continue to live separate lives.

I mean, that’s possible, right?

Not preferable.

But it’s possible.

Maybe I go on vacations and he enjoys home with our dogs.

Maybe every couple of years I take an assignment somewhere else and I learn a new area.

I would love to go to Alaska.

I like to think that I’d like to live in Alaska.

And then I remember that I get cold extremely easily.

So...

Maybe not.

But I’d love to travel the world.

I’d love to learn new languages.

I want to be able to do those things.

I speak Spanish fairly well.

I don’t generally acknowledge it to people.

I can read it.

I can write it very well.

And I can speak it fairly fluently as well.

I can sign.

I’d love to learn more languages, though.

And for me, a part of that is being in different places.

Being able to immerse yourself in another culture.

Despite the fact that America is one big melting pot, it is so interesting to see the difference in culture depending on what area you live in.

I’d like to experience that.

I Don’t Know How to Pick a Feeling

This whole thing has just had me feeling a plethora of emotions.

I’m adventurous.

I’m scared.

I’m nervous.

I’m happy.

I’m excited.

But I don’t know how to pick a feeling.

I don’t know how to stick with a feeling.

I don’t even know if I’m supposed to.

I don’t mean—I don’t have to.

It’s not a requirement.

But for every post in my journal that I’ve ever made, I’ve been able to pinpoint an emotion for the day.

I expect that on Tuesday, when I’m supposed to leave, the emotion’s probably gonna be very heavy.

But I’m not for sure.

In my mind, I think, like, my gosh, this is gonna be sad.

This is a big move and I’m leaving.

What if that’s not the case?

What if I get in my car and drive off and I don’t feel like I should come back?

What if I get in my car and drive off and feel like, no, this isn’t for me, and turn back around?

There’s just so many unknowns.

Despite Being Afraid to Move, I’m Gonna Do It Anyways

I think part of the fear is I don’t know what’s gonna happen.

And so it’s really easy to get stuck in a situation because you are too afraid to move.

But this time, I’m saying, despite being afraid to move, I’m gonna do it anyways.

I’m going to let all those emotions live where they live.

I will feel them.

I will think about them.

I will logic them out.

I will reason with them.

I will hear them and give them a solution.

I will make them fixable.

If I’m scared, well, what has me scared?

Okay.

The drive.

That’s a perfect example.

Driving halfway across the country by myself.

That’s scary.

Just being a woman alone driving cross-country by yourself is scary.

Okay, so you’re scared.

What does that look like?

It Looks Like Putting Safeguards Into Place

For me, that looks like:

“Hey, husband, I know that you play poker every night. When I leave, I need you to be awake and on your phone, so if anything happens, I can call you.”

That looks like me telling friends and family:

“Hey, my location’s on. Track me. If it goes silent for a minute, wonder why.”

It’s:

“Hey, this is what my itinerary looks like. I should be here at this time. Check in to make sure I made it there.”

It looks like:

“Hey, if someone finds me hanging from a tree, I didn’t do it. I wouldn’t hang myself from a tree.”

But it’s having those conversations.

It looks like:

“Hey, so this is my plan for eating and getting gas.”

If I should have to, for whatever reason, veer from that plan, I will check in with you.

It’s being able to acknowledge the feeling and saying:

Okay.

That’s fixable.

I Can Acknowledge That It’s All There

Do I have to fix that I’m excited?

No.

But I have to tailor it.

I realize that in my excitement, other people are sad.

Procrastinating has been a big one.

I know that I need to pack.

I have not touched a single thing to pack.

I don’t know why.

I just haven’t.

But I can acknowledge that it’s all there.

I will probably get into a frenzy at some point and pack up the whole world and then be upset if I forgot something.

So I’ll make a list.

But I just...

I don’t know.

It’s a big change.

It’s a scary change.

I Can Celebrate Myself

I am getting ready to leave to the point where I will most likely spend my birthday by myself.

I can’t remember when I’ve spent my birthday by myself.

Even when I was a kid, birthdays were a big thing.

And this year, that could be drastically different.

But I’m gonna take what comes.

I will process it as necessary.

And then I’ll celebrate myself.

I’ll take myself out for dinner.

I’ll buy myself a present.

I’ll tell myself happy birthday.

Because I can celebrate myself.

Do I want to have to celebrate myself by myself?

No.

But I can.

And I think it’s time, long overdue, that I recognize that I can give myself my own flowers.

That I can celebrate me without having somebody else celebrate me.

And that’s a great feeling.

I Can Give Myself My Own Flowers

We tell people that they have to get comfortable with being with themselves.

And this year, that’s my move.

I am so proud of me for keeping up with my journal as long as I have.

And I continue to do so.

I will continue to do so.

But I’m proud of me for doing what I’ve done.

I’m growing.

And I hope that you’re growing with me.

I hope that you’re hearing these things and you’re listening to them and you’re saying:

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Yeah, no, I actually do think that is the way I can handle that.”

“Nope, I can challenge that thought because that doesn’t make any sense.”

“I can celebrate me.”

“I can buy myself my own flowers and put them in my room.”

So that’s my plan.

I’m going to celebrate me.

One day at a time, I’m gonna write this story.

That Doesn’t Mean the Book’s Over

And it looks like, for now, the chapter of this story stops on Tuesday, early morning, when I get in my car and I drive away.

That doesn’t mean the book’s over.

It just means this chapter, for now, is over.

And a new one starts.

So in this new one, who gets to be the main character?

Who gets to be the protagonist?

Who gets to be the hero?

And I think in every version of the story, that’s me.

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today.

It’s Saturday, so that means laundry day.

My washing machine and my dryer both decided to go out at the same time.

Yay at me.

Love being a grown-up.

So we went to the laundromat today.

And I had a great time.

I don’t know what it is about doing laundry, guys, but I love doing laundry.

I recognize that it’s odd.

It’s just a thing that I do.

So I got to go do my laundry today.

And then I just got to be.

I had fun hanging with my dogs and hanging out with my husband.

I’ve been teasing a friend because why not?

And then I’ve had this other guy texting me all sappy about, like:

“My God, you’re leaving.”

“I’m gonna be so sad.”

“Please don’t ignore my phone calls.”

“Don’t go too far away from me.”

“Make sure you come back.”

And I’m just like, bro.

I’m not dying.

I’m just moving.

There’s a difference.

“But I’m just gonna miss you and I’m gonna cry myself to sleep.”

Okay.

What, bro?

I can’t do anything about that.

I can’t.

I could buy you a pacifier at best.

That’s what I could do for you.

And it’s not that I don’t sympathize with him.

I just know that there’s nothing I can do about it.

So he gets to feel all his emotions.

He gets to feel them.

Process them.

Find out which ones are fixable.

And come up with a plan.

Because that’s how it works.

For me.

For him.

For you.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.