Dear Stoic Me: I Needed to Feel Like I Was Going to Be Missed

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Have you ever had that dream where you throw a party, be it a regular party or a birthday party, and no one attends?

Or maybe you end up in the hospital and, as the nurse is getting you all settled in, she asks:

“Who can I call on your behalf?”

But you can’t name anybody.

I hate that I know what that feels like.

I hate that I know how empty and lonely that feels.

Today Felt a Lot Like That

Today felt a lot like that.

I am nearing my date to leave.

And I thought surely certain people would want to spend more time with me before I left.

And that is not happening the way that I thought it would.

And I don’t think that it’s callous or mean.

I think that it just doesn’t cross their mind the same way that it crosses mine.

So today I was supposed to go to breakfast with my husband.

We get up and we head out there, but my kid had plans, so we had to rush back.

Just for us to get back and my kid would be like:

“Never mind, I don’t want to go.”

It’s fine.

But then I came into my office to do something really quick and didn’t hear from my husband.

So I just assumed that he was busy.

And that’s totally my bad.

But when I did go to check, he was taking a nap.

I said, okay.

I didn’t bother him.

Came back to my office and did some more work.

And I kept hearing his alarm go off.

And so when he got up, at that point I was exhausted.

So I went and laid down and decided to take a nap.

But that seems to be how the day has gone.

Two ships in the night.

Something Seems Off

By the time I got up, he came back to lay back down.

And so I got up and I came out of my office.

Then minutes later he came into my office.

And I recall saying:

“Hey, I thought you were sleeping.”

“Hmm. Just laying down by you.”

Okay.

Yeah, that’s fine.

“Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, I kinda want burgers.”

And not like McDonald’s burgers, but homemade burgers.

I like when my husband makes burgers.

And so that’s what he’s gonna get to doing as he talks to his son.

But something seems off.

And not off like I think that he’s angry or upset with me.

Off in the sense that I’m getting ready to get into a car early Tuesday morning and drive away.

And our time with each other leading up to that point has been very limited.

I Was Looking for the Emotional Side of It

It’s not a requirement to spend more time with me.

Last night we had a conversation and my feelings got hurt.

And it wasn’t so much what he was saying, but for me it was the lack of what was said.

We were talking about my drive and what that looks like.

“Hey, you know, do you think that I should stop overnight somewhere or take a nap in my car? What does that look like? What do you think?”

“Well, I think that you should stop at a hotel because I think that’s where you’d be more comfortable. But also, you know, if you’re going to sleep in your car, I think that’d be fine too.”

Okay.

“But which one would make you feel better?”

“Well, either. You can take care of yourself.”

And I knew that’s what he meant.

I knew that he was just saying that he doesn’t worry about me because I can handle myself.

And I can.

But then there’s that part of me that wants somebody to care that:

What if?

What if, you know?

Well, she is driving by herself.

That could be dangerous and that could be scary.

And I’m a little concerned.

I have faith in you, but I’m still concerned.

And I want to put safeguards in place to make sure nothing happens.

My husband has my location.

And that’s kind of what his thought was.

Like:

“I have your location. If something happens, then I’ll do what I can to help out.”

And I was looking for so much more.

I Needed to Feel Like I Was Gonna Be Missed

I guess I was looking for a:

“You know, I’m gonna be really sad that you go.”

“I’m gonna really miss you.”

Like the emotional side of it.

Not the pragmatic side of it.

Not the logical logistics side of it.

I was looking for more of a:

“Yeah, this is gonna be hard and I’m gonna be really sad to see you go.”

“And I’m gonna be checking up on you because I’m concerned about you getting there.”

“I know that you can, but still, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

I was looking for the more emotional connection there.

And he was just like:

“You’re fine. I’m not worried about it.”

And so I got my feelings hurt.

Not that he, again, did anything.

But it was just, for me, I needed to feel like I was gonna be missed.

And I didn’t get that.

And I think he realized that at some point because he turns to me and he says:

“You know I’m gonna miss you, right?”

And I shook my head no.

And that’s where that conversation stopped.

I Just Did Not Have the Capacity to Say Anything

There wasn’t any more, I guess, to discuss.

He didn’t say anything more.

And I just did not have the capacity to say anything.

So I decided it would be in my best interest to take my anxiety med and go to bed.

Which is what I did.

And today I woke up.

Fresh day.

Started over.

But I can’t kick this nagging feeling that I leave on Tuesday.

And I haven’t really hung out with my kid.

He’s got plans this weekend.

My husband and I have kind of been just, again, doing our own thing.

But no one has been like:

“Hey, no. I want to spend this designated time with you because I won’t have that for a while.”

And I’m not saying nobody has done that.

That Meant Something to Me

I’ve got my baby girl in Wichita who’s like:

“Mom, come see me before you leave.”

Okay.

I’ll do that.

And I love that.

I love the fact that she was just like:

“Hey, you know, I’d really like to see you before you go.”

That meant something to me.

But I don’t fault anybody else for not thinking that or feeling that.

I’ve had friends up in the city who’ve been like:

“If you can make the time, if you can spare the time, I’d like to see you before you leave.”

And I felt bad because I couldn’t do it.

But it still meant a lot to me that that was the headspace.

I’m Not Showing People That Side of Me

But I also recognize that I’m not showing people that side of me, right?

I’m not crying in a corner or sending messages of like:

“My gosh, why aren’t you spending time with me?”

It’s just kind of:

Alright.

And again, for me, some part of me is so used to that that it’s just, you know, another day.

I have been in the hospital where I’ve had a nurse stand by my side and ask:

“Honey, who can I call for you?”

Nobody.

And I feel like nothing tells you how alone you are like moments like that.

It’s Not That I Can’t Fix the Flat Tire by Myself

Being in the hospital bed where you don’t have anyone to call.

Or being in an accident where you wouldn’t know who to reach out to.

If I got a flat tire, I wouldn’t know who to call.

And it’s not so much that I can’t fix the flat tire by myself.

It’s that nobody would know.

If I were to have a severe accident out here in Kansas, my family wouldn’t know.

My parents don’t keep in contact with me.

Both my siblings don’t.

No one would know.

And I remember asking my husband:

“So, like, in the event something does happen to me, how would you tell my family?”

Because my husband doesn’t have access to my family that way.

Not because he can’t.

They just don’t.

And he was like:

“I would just go through your phone.”

Like, and if my phone was with me when it happened and you can’t get into my phone?

“I’ll just go through your Facebook.”

It Just Feels So Lonely

Again, from a very logical standpoint, that makes a lot of sense, right?

Like, he would do what he would have to do to figure it out.

But the other side of it is like:

Wow.

Really?

Nobody cares to make sure that, like, hey, if something were to happen, this is the way that this should go?

And it just feels so lonely.

And today I think that’s what’s sat with me.

I’m getting ready to make a 30-ish hour drive by myself.

And most of the people that I’m going to go see in California don’t know that I’m coming.

And even if I told them that I was coming, they wouldn’t keep tabs on me enough like that to know that I was safe.

And then my husband’s got stuff going on here.

So it’s not like he could just drop everything and come get me or come find me and make sure that I’m okay.

So I just feel like:

Where does that leave me?

That Doesn’t Solve Anything

I mean, yes.

I can cry about it.

I can be upset about it.

I can hide in the corner.

That doesn’t solve anything.

And I know, again, this is one of those fixable problems, so to speak.

In the sense that if I were to communicate with people like:

“Hey, this is what I’m really needing.”

And I’ve done that.

I’ve reached out to someone today and said:

“Hey, I don’t typically ask this of you, but I really need this from you in the next couple of days.”

And they said yes.

And that made me feel a little bit better.

At What Point Do You Stop Wanting to Be Stoic?

But so many times I bury myself into this idea that nobody cares.

But I don’t speak on it.

I just accept it as the norm.

That’s just my life.

That’s just how that happens.

I’ll just be stoic.

But at what point in time do you stop wanting to be stoic and be honest or real?

So today, that’s my thought.

After all is said and done, tonight I’m hoping to curl up on my couch and hang out with my husband and laugh and joke and play.

And if not, okay.

And then I’m going to, at some point in time between now and tomorrow night, pack my bags.

I still haven’t done it.

But I’ve started.

And I’m gonna spend time with my dogs because I’ve already started to feel like I’m a bad dog mom because I won’t see them and they don’t get their special treats.

And I’m gonna figure it out.

Gotta Figure Out How Not to Always Have to Be Strong for Myself

Gotta figure out how not to always have to be strong for myself and trust somebody else.

And that’s a big deal.

Giving somebody that part of you where you say:

“Hey, please don’t let me down.”

“Like, I need you to be there in the best capacity that you can show up.”

I don’t know.

I just thought things would be different.

I didn’t think there was gonna be a party that I was leaving.

But I thought for sure people would be sappy enough to be like:

“I really want time with you before you go.”

“I’d really like to see you.”

Most of all my husband and my child.

And neither of them seem very phased that I’m leaving.

Parts of Me Are Really Glad for That

And parts of me are really glad for that.

Like, I’m glad they’re just kind of like:

“Alright, you’re fine. I’ll see you again.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

And I love that.

I love the fact that they can just carry on.

And I think they are both very much alike without realizing that they’re very much alike.

And for them it’s easier to compartmentalize that like:

“Hey, she’s leaving, but she’s coming back.”

And I think that’s the buildup, right?

That’s always that she’s coming back.

So this is not the end of the world.

It’s a temporary situation.

It’s fine.

What Am I Coming Back To?

But I feel like it leaves me feeling some kind of way.

Well, if that’s what the case is, what am I coming back to?

Who am I coming back to?

And I have to remind myself.

I have to diligently remind myself that what I’m feeling may not be the case that’s presented, right?

Because that happens so often where I feel like I’m unimportant and unloved and uncared for.

And I’m just really stoic about it.

Really just:

Nope.

Doesn’t bother me.

That’s just another day in the world.

Versus:

These people are telling me that they care.

They’re telling me that I matter.

It’s just not in the capacity that I need them to.

And that’s okay too.

This Is What I Needed

I can communicate like:

“Hey, this is what I needed.”

But I know you still care.

So my bite of pie today is that I’m not letting it eat at me.

I am still going to go and enjoy my time.

I’m going to laugh and play and hang out with those who want to laugh and play and hang out with me.

And I’m gonna get my stuff packed.

And I’m gonna make the most of the time that I have left here with the people I care about.

So that when I leave and I start this new chapter, I’m not holding back.

I’m not afraid to write it.

I’m not afraid to live it.

My Bite of Pie

I hope that today you are able to live your life.

And that you live your life loudly.

And that if something’s bothering you or something’s nagging at you, that you have people that you can trust to say:

“Hey, this is what I was needing in this moment.”

“And I don’t hold it against you, but the next time that this presents itself, this is how I need you to show up.”

Because we deserve that.

I deserve it.

You deserve it.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.