Dear Adventurous Me: I’m Going to Jump

Listen to the Episode

Prefer listening? Hear the full Dear Journal conversation here.

Have you ever been on the edge of what you know will be a life-changing moment?

It’s exciting and it’s scary and a whole bunch of other things all at the same time.

And that pretty much sums up my day in a nutshell.

So much so that I can’t even speak.

I’ve been falling all over my words all day today.

The Kind of Exhausted Where Your Emotions Just Shut Down Your Body

I have been exhausted.

The kind of exhausted where your emotions just shut down your body.

I slept.

I woke up multiple times, which I almost never do.

And then I slept some more.

And then I got up and I took care of the things I needed to take care of.

And I made breakfast for my family.

And I ate.

And then I went back to bed.

And I knew I still had packing to do today.

And I was excited about it.

But my heart felt a little heavy because I knew what it meant.

But I got it done.

The only thing left now is to pack my stuff for my podcast and get everything loaded in my car.

This New Chapter Is Gonna Be Amazing

I’m excited.

And I think that this new chapter is gonna be amazing.

I don’t think it will be without bumps.

I don’t think it will be without tears or anger.

But I think it’s gonna be exciting.

It’s definitely something worth getting into.

When You’re Ready, Jump

I remember a few years back for my birthday I wanted to go ziplining.

And my husband is absolutely afraid of heights, but said since it was my birthday that we could go.

So we packed up our stuff and we drove to a zipline place.

The first time we went, it was very subtle.

Like, we did the little hikes and it kind of led up to a big hike.

The next time we went, we just went on the big zip lines.

But I remember him walking up the stairs—the mini stairs—to the top of the base for the zip line.

And it was so tall that you could feel it sway.

And I was nervous.

Things like that scare me.

Always have.

I am not a fan of bridges.

So anytime something’s moving while I’m on it will almost always make me question life’s choices.

But it was something I wanted.

So I was gonna do it.

We were all geared up and they hooked us to the line and they said:

“Okay, when you’re ready, jump.”

That’s what this feels like.

I am towers above everybody.

And there’s this line that’s connected to the next tree.

And I’m being told:

Jump.

It Was Exhilarating

When I took that first jump the first time, it was exhilarating.

I never felt so good in my life.

And I was surprised because I am a very logical person.

So the idea of being hung up on something above trees where anything could happen says:

Mmm, let’s give pause to that.

But I did it.

And I loved it.

And I’ve gone back twice since.

This feels like that.

This feels like I’m jumping off and I’m getting ready to breeze through the skyline.

And I’m gonna smile.

I’m gonna laugh.

And it doesn’t mean I’m not gonna be nervous.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to question my life choices.

But it’s something that I’m ready to do.

Bright and Early Tomorrow Morning

Bright and early tomorrow morning I get to get up and I get to go visit one of my baby girls.

And apparently my job decided that tomorrow was a perfect day for me to drug test, so I’m doing that.

And then I’m gonna drive.

I’m going to put on some music.

Maybe a book.

And I’m gonna be.

I’m going to listen to the thoughts in my head without letting them drown me.

I’m going to work and weave through the emotions.

I’m going to acknowledge them all.

I’m going to sit with them all.

It’s not like I have anywhere else to go, right?

I’m Not Gonna Beat Up on Myself

What I’m not gonna do is beat up on myself.

I’m not gonna tell myself all the things that can go wrong.

At least not without telling myself all the things that could go right.

I am going to get up and put on my big girl pants and start a new chapter.

I am going to write a new chapter.

And you guys get to go with me to do it.

It’s Not Gonna Stop Me From Writing in My Journal

I am still trying to figure out the logistics for tomorrow night’s podcast because I’ll be on the road.

So I won’t have my usual setup.

Which kinda makes me sad.

But it’s not gonna stop me from writing in my journal.

It’s not gonna stop me from figuring out how to talk to you all.

To tell you what it was like driving fifteen-plus hours with nothing but my mental health and the music that I’m playing.

I’m going to stop and enjoy the world around me.

I’ve got to acknowledge that there’s much more to this world than the heartache and pain that I’ve experienced.

I am going to think about the friendships that I’ve made here and how exciting they were and how new they were.

And how if I could do that here, I could do that again there.

Get Back to Taking Care of Me

I am debating on how to surprise my family with the news that I’m back.

And I think what I want to do is simply ask for the address and then show up and see my dad.

I’m spending my birthday by myself.

Which is not what I imagined.

And as of right now, I’m thinking:

If you’re gonna make this drive across the country by yourself, the least you could do is treat yourself.

So right now I’m thinking maybe getting my nails done, which I haven’t done in ages.

And getting a nice massage, which I also haven’t done in ages.

And get back to taking care of me.

Maybe I’ll go for a walk.

Go out to eat.

Sit at a park.

All things that I desire to do that I always stop myself from doing.

Living, you know?

We Don’t Live to Make Those Changes

We expect our mental health to drastically change and get better.

But we don’t live to make those changes.

And that is not an insult to anybody out there who’s struggling with that.

Again, that’s my life.

I know what it’s like to shut down and be stuck in my room while also acknowledging that I need to get out of my room.

And it’s hard.

It’s hard.

But in order to get something different, I have to do something different.

And it doesn’t mean that I don’t get to be afraid or sad or upset.

It means that I get to do those things anyways while feeling those feelings.

It means I have to give myself a chance.

It means I don’t write myself off.

And that feels good.

I Came Out to Kansas 13 Years Ago Chasing After a Boy

I came out to Kansas 13 years ago chasing after a boy.

And I stayed.

And I met another boy.

And we got married.

And I’ve just been here.

And I’ve lived this life.

And there have been times where I’ve absolutely adored it.

And there’s been times where it’s frustrated me.

But I kept going.

And there were days that it was really hard to keep going.

Days that I did things that I wouldn’t want somebody else to do.

Days that I cried myself to sleep.

Days that I hid from myself as well as hiding from the world.

I’m Proud of Me

I have learned so much about me since I’ve started this process, this Dear Journal, in June.

If you had asked me where I’d be at the end of August, this is not what I would have thought.

I am great with starting things.

Seeing them all the way through when I don’t think that they’re perfect?

Not so great.

The fact that I’m in front of a camera, talking and spewing my guts?

I’m proud of me.

I’m proud that I can look inside the camera and see what I see as all my imperfections and all my flaws.

The hair that I don’t always like.

And the arms that are flabby.

And the clothes that are tight because I’ve gotten bigger.

And still say:

You know what?

I’m worth showing up for.

I’m Worth Showing Up For

I feel like that’s the biggest adventure that I started.

That I am worth showing up for.

So I’m going to climb those stairs up the tower.

I’m gonna put on my helmet.

Put on my gear.

And I’m gonna jump.

And while there may be people who are questioning why I’m doing it and they don’t understand it, the best answer I could ever give is that I’m doing it for me.

I deserve this.

I deserve to find me and the things that bring me joy.

So that’s what I’m gonna do.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was keeping a calm head.

It was saying:

“Hey, I know I’ve got all these things to take care of, but I can do it. I can get it done.”

And I did.

My suitcases are out there.

There’s two.

My suitcases are out in the trunk of the car.

I’ve got other bags sitting here packed, ready to go to the car.

My desk is already portioned up to just turn everything off and put it away so it can go.

I’m doing it.

And I think a lot of people questioned when I would back out.

I think a lot of people counted me out.

And to be honest, they had every right to.

I am very much that person who has said multiple times:

“I’m gonna leave.”

“I’m gonna go.”

“I’m gonna do this.”

And have made no movement.

But this time is different.

This time I chose me.

And I said:

“I’m gonna do it.”

And I have.

Every step of the way, I’ve done everything I need to do to push forward.

And tomorrow morning, at the butt crack of dawn, I’m gonna get up.

I’m gonna say my goodbyes.

I’m gonna get in my car.

And I’m gonna drive away.

And I’m gonna start a new chapter of my life.

Rewrite It

So if you’re out there and you’re wondering where your story is going, what’s it supposed to look like?

Rewrite it.

It’s never too late to decide that you don’t like where the chapter is going and rewrite it.

Hey, I didn’t like the way that this day looked.

Let’s erase it and start over.

You know, that chapter ended in a way that I wouldn’t want to tell people to do that.

The next chapter is gonna start magnificently.

My next chapter is gonna start bright and early in the morning with me getting in my car.

Putting on some music.

Driving to the first Starbucks that’s open.

Not even gonna lie.

That’s what I’m gonna do.

I’m gonna do it.

I’m going to be seen headed west.

And that’s how life is gonna work.

Because some days that’s all we can do.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.