Dear Californian Me: I Did It

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Have you ever done something so amazing that you even surprised yourself?

Like you had a plan, but you weren’t for sure you’d go through with it?

Because guys, there may have been a billion times I questioned whether or not I would actually go through with this.

But I’m here.

I Did It

This is my new room.

I am renting a room in a home.

And I’m here.

I did it.

I actually came to California.

And I was expecting to be really upset and bothered and hurt.

Many of you didn’t catch the podcast because while I recorded it, it would not load.

So let me give you a rundown of what these last two days have been like.

I Expected to Be in Tears

Monday night, I packed up my car and had plans to hang out with my family.

My kid wouldn’t leave his room.

My husband and I sat and ate dinner.

And then I finished packing up stuff.

He loaded the car.

And then essentially we went to bed.

He fell right to sleep.

And I kind of struggled in and out.

And then when I finally needed to go to sleep, I didn’t sleep very well.

I was up and down all night long.

I was supposed to get up at 3:30 to leave by four.

My alarm went off at 3:30 and I was just like:

Nope.

Haven’t had enough sleep.

Let me go back to bed.

And so I did for an hour.

Got up.

Got dressed.

Packed the rest of my stuff up, like my toiletries.

And then my husband walked me to my car.

As he walked me to my car, he talked to me like normal.

And then I raised my hands to give him a hug.

I gave him a hug.

He kissed my cheek.

We said bye.

He walked into the house.

I got in the car.

I put on the music.

And I drove off.

That was nice enough.

I expected when I backed out of that driveway to be in tears.

Nothing.

Nothing

This is not the first time I have left my household while married.

The last time I did, I simply moved an hour and a half away because things weren’t going well with us at all.

And I bawled like a baby the entire time that I packed.

The entire time we loaded the truck.

The drive up there.

The night that I was there.

Bawled like a baby.

Nothing.

Nothing.

And so I was kind of waiting for it to hit me and take over me.

But that’s not what happened.

I drove with the music on.

It wasn’t sad, sappy songs.

They were all upbeat and happy.

And I’m dancing and singing along.

You would think that everything was just great.

Can I Run Away With You?

So I go into Wichita and I meet my oldest daughter.

And we have breakfast together.

And we talk and we laugh and we joke.

And it’s a great time.

I drop her back off.

Before I go, though, she was like:

“Can I run away with you?”

I wish I could take you.

But I can’t.

Maybe next time.

I say my goodbyes to her.

Get in my car.

And continue on my drive.

My GPS Said Nope

I had it planned to go north.

Driving through New Mexico was not my favorite.

Nothing wrong with New Mexico.

It’s just an extremely boring drive because everything’s flat and looks exactly the same to me.

So I thought, like, hey, I’d go up through Nebraska, hit Wyoming, come on through.

My GPS said:

Nope.

That’s not what you’re doing.

So I rerouted and went through New Mexico and Texas and Oklahoma and Arizona.

And for whatever reason, I did most of my driving on Tuesday.

Again, I was expecting this big emotional dump.

Nope.

Drove on.

Got to Holbrook, Arizona.

So I went from Fort Scott, Kansas to Holbrook, Arizona, where I stayed the night.

Again.

No qualms.

When I Hit the Line for California, It Was Like My Heart Burst

Got up the next morning.

I wasn’t feeling very well.

I had a headache.

But I was just like:

We’re gonna do this.

We’re gonna press on.

I start driving.

The headache gets worse.

I pull over at some point.

Take an hour nap.

Get back on the road.

When I hit the line for California, it was like my heart burst.

I was so excited and so happy.

So overcome with joy.

Not just because I was home.

I did it, though.

I drove by myself to get here.

I did it.

And Then It Happened

And I know there were a lot of people who were just like:

“She says she’s gonna do it, but it’s not gonna happen.”

She said she’s gonna do it.

But it’s not gonna happen.

And then it happened.

So I am driving through familiar areas.

And as I’m driving, this work van pulls up next to me.

It’s got these two guys in it.

And one looks over at me and waves.

And I don’t think anything of it.

I wave back.

And then I realized they’re trying to get my attention.

Not because something’s wrong.

Just because they’re flirting.

My God.

How great that felt.

Maybe It’s Just Me

It has been so long since I have convinced somebody in traffic, just based off of how I’m acting in my car, to stop and talk to me.

It happened regularly when I lived here in California.

And I just always assumed it was because I was thin and pretty.

So to cross the state line and start having it happen immediately just was like:

Maybe.

Maybe it’s just me, you know?

And so we dipped in and out of traffic just kind of flirting with each other as we drove.

And it wasn’t this sense that I needed to exchange information or give them my number or get to know them.

It was just nice to be seen.

Someone wanted to talk to me.

Like, with me?

You wanted me?

And I just felt great.

My Body and My Emotions Were Deceiving Me

And so I talked to my best friend about everything that was going on and about how I wasn’t acting the way that I thought I was gonna act.

Like it was almost like my body and my emotions were deceiving me.

I had this expectation.

I had this built up in my head.

Lackluster, to say the least.

So I get here.

And I unload my stuff out the car.

And if you know anything about me, I’m really type A.

So I’m that person that goes on vacation and then comes back home and that night unloads her suitcase and throws stuff in the laundry.

I have to have it all done.

Taken care of.

My brain doesn’t function otherwise.

But I was dog tired last night.

So I get in and I set it up to the best of my ability.

And I go to bed.

The Batteries Made Me More Upset Than Leaving Kansas

I go to turn on the TV.

And my remote doesn’t have batteries.

And for some reason, that made me more upset than leaving Kansas.

So I reach out to a friend and I’m just like:

“Hey, you know, this is the case. What do I do? Do I order batteries? Do I leave to get batteries? What’s your thought process?”

And the friend says:

“Well, how badly do you need them?”

And my response is:

“I just need to drown out my head to go to sleep.”

And he tells me:

“Well then you should probably order them.”

And I said:

“Okay. I’m just feeling a little anxious.”

And he asked if there was anything he could do to help.

And I said:

“Bring me batteries.”

Which is when he asked my location.

And I shared with him my location.

And he offered to come bring me batteries.

I said no.

This Wasn’t Me Running From a Guy to a Guy

And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to see my friend.

It’s not that I didn’t want to have contact with him.

I just wanted to be alone.

And that’s when I knew things were different, right?

Because everybody assumed that I’d come out to California and I’d run immediately to this guy because he’s my best friend.

It’s boyfriend, as you guys know him.

And the assumption was that’s what I was doing.

He wasn’t even the first person I told I was in California.

Not that I don’t want to see him.

Or I don’t adore him.

Or I don’t love him.

It’s just that’s not what this is about.

This wasn’t me running from a guy to a guy.

This was me saying:

I need to do something for me.

I’m ready to do something for me.

So I told him no.

No.

I’m okay.

I don’t need you to take care of me.

I appreciate it.

Don’t need it.

But if you will just let me talk to you until I fall asleep, that’d be great.

He said yes.

And we chatted back and forth until I fell asleep.

This Is New

And then I woke up this morning and just started my day.

There was one point last night where I’m laying in bed and I started to tear up.

And I don’t know if it was that I was missing everything more than it was:

This is new.

This is a change.

I am horrible with change.

And this is a big one.

But I started to tear up.

And then it just stopped.

I never actually cried.

It’s Just Me Being Me

Still now, today, I got up.

Got things taken care of.

Redid my whole room.

Because, again, type A.

Things have to have spots and places to go.

So I bought more furniture than I needed for nine months.

I bought a printer because what if I need to print something?

It’s just things that settle my brain.

Scratch that itch.

And then I had some of my favorite foods.

Yesterday was In-N-Out Burger.

Today was Round Table pizza.

Tomorrow?

Who knows what I’ll have.

But it’s just me being me in all the ways that I can be me.

And I’m happy.

Like, genuinely.

I’m happy.

I’m smiling and I’m laughing.

And they’re genuine.

They’re not forced.

I Know I Need to Find a Doctor Out Here

I know that I need to find a doctor out here.

A med doctor.

I am not looking forward to it.

Kind of putting it off.

But I know I need to do it.

I think part of me is hoping that I’ll go see them and they’ll say something different.

“No, no, none of those things are actually true.”

“No, no, none of those things do you actually have.”

Not likely.

But I hope.

I’m Taking a Chance on Me

And that’s been my life, guys.

My life has been me saying:

I’m taking a chance on me.

I am going to do something important for me.

No matter how scary it is.

And it’s been scary.

The whole entire time it’s been scary.

And yet I still made it.

I still did it.

I didn’t ditch you guys.

Again, I did record.

It was live on YouTube and live on Twitch.

But for some reason I couldn’t get it to load up in the usual cues for the other podcast sites.

So I do apologize for that.

But I did not forget to do my podcast.

Who Is This Girl Gonna Be?

I’m excited.

I’m excited to see what this new chapter is gonna be like.

How I’m writing it.

Who the girl’s gonna be.

Is she gonna be this flirtatious, fun girl?

Is she going to be shy?

Is she going to be mysterious?

Is she gonna be quiet?

Outgoing?

All of the above?

Who knows?

My Bite of Pie

Today’s bite of pie?

I enjoyed my day doing things that make me happy.

I woke up and got a Starbucks.

I haven’t had the Starbucks oatmeal in forever.

I’ve got my lemon loaf.

I still need to eat it.

I love the lemon loaf.

I got things organized in my room.

I put them all together.

Everything’s organized the way that I like it.

I had a fantastic lunch.

And directly after this podcast, I’m going to call my mom.

And I’m gonna hope it goes well.

And if not, you know, my journal will hear about it.

You’ll hear about it.

But I’m optimistic.

And it’s been a long time since I’ve been just optimistic about something.

So that’s my bite of pie today.

I hope that you guys haven’t been struggling in the last two days that I missed out on you.

And I hope that you have found some peace and some joy in something that you’re doing.

Something you’re planning on doing.

Because it makes a world of difference in your mental health.

Not everyone’s gonna always understand why you’re doing something or who you’re doing it for.

I always hope that you’re doing it for you.

I have underestimated for a very long time the power of doing something for me.

And now that I am, I’m wondering why it took me so long.

So as I get back to being me, I hope that you’re working on getting you back.

That you’re finding yourself all over again.

And if not, let’s talk about it.

What can I do to help?

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.