Dear Relaxed Me: I’m Choosing to See Me

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Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you were able to just breathe?

I don’t mean, like, take a breath.

I mean just...

Breathe.

Relax.

Just be in your element.

I Was Just Me

Today was a lot like that.

I woke up super early.

Two o’clock early.

And I wasn’t upset.

I wasn’t sad.

I was just...

I was just.

So I decided to watch my husband’s stream for a while.

And then I put on a movie and I watched that.

And I wasn’t rushed or stressed.

I wasn’t worried about what I would have to do and wanted to take care of and who I would have to take care of.

I was just me.

And so I laid around for a while thinking, like, hey, you know, there’s things I want to accomplish today.

I’ll tell you about that in a minute.

And I just felt relaxed.

I Called My Mom

So I did call my mom yesterday after my podcast, as I said I would.

And there were lots of things that happened in that conversation that I am processing.

It was interesting seeing my mother in the sense that, like, she looks older.

And I know that they’re getting older.

And I always relate that to my dad.

But she looks like she’s getting older.

And I don’t know if my brain was really ready to acknowledge that.

The thought has always been:

She’s my mom.

We have a bad relationship.

Whatever happens, happens.

But looking at her, I felt something different.

I’m not quite sure what that feeling is yet.

I just know that it wasn’t me writing it off like I usually do.

He Doesn’t Walk Any Longer

And then I saw my dad.

And he looks quite a bit older.

But he always makes me smile.

So I see him and I’m talking to him and I ask:

“Hey, you know, can I come see you for my birthday?”

And Mom’s like:

“You’re in town?”

Yeah.

I’m in town.

So we talk about that for a minute.

And she tells me:

“Yeah, come on by. Your dad would love to see you.”

And I’m like, we can go out and get food.

It’s something that I do when I go with my dad.

I usually come out to eat.

And that’s when she informs me that he doesn’t walk any longer.

That he’s either in his wheelchair, sitting in the living room, or he’s in bed.

And I hadn’t been aware of that.

No one had made me aware of his declining health.

They never do.

It’s something that I have always struggled with because they don’t keep me informed of what’s going on.

But the conversation went well.

And we made plans for today.

And I got off the phone and I just felt unbelievably sad.

This Is Exactly the Reason Why I’m Here

Excited because I get to see him.

But sad because this is exactly the reason why I’m here.

Like, I know my time with him is precious.

That he is getting older.

And he is going to decline.

And I am not ready or prepared in any way, shape, or form to deal with that.

And then it’s the stress of:

Why no one told me?

Why wouldn’t you let me know that?

Why am I never allowed to have information about what’s going on in my family?

I Want My Dad

So the plan was for me to go out there today.

And again, I barely slept.

Not out of anger or anxiousness.

Again, it was peaceful.

I was restful.

I just didn’t sleep.

So today I knew that I was gonna need a nap.

And I reached out and said:

“Hey, you know, would you mind if I come out Saturday or Monday instead? Because I’m off Monday for the holiday.”

“No, no. That’s fine.”

So that’s my plan.

To either go out there tomorrow or Monday.

But I’m still grappling with the fact my dad’s getting older.

And I’m not sure how to deal with that.

On Sunday, I will be 43 years old.

And the idea of losing my parent...

I can’t.

Back at home, when I get really anxious and it’s to the point of me picking at myself and crying and just being visibly unwell, it’s usually accompanied by me saying:

“I want my dad.”

“I want my dad.”

“I want my dad.”

Because somehow, some way, that is my comfort.

The idea of having my dad.

I Am Worried

I am worried.

I’m worried that something happens and I can’t get to him.

Or something happens while I’m here and I’m by myself.

I don’t know just how I would handle that.

So I called my husband to tell him the news.

And I said:

“Hey, you know, I talked to my mom. I’m gonna go visit my dad.”

He’s like:

“Yeah, that’s great.”

And I said:

“Well, he doesn’t walk anymore.”

And my husband said:

“You know, I’m sorry. That sucks. That really sucks.”

And then proceeded to tell me to wish him luck on his poker game.

And I said good luck.

And then we got off the phone.

And I sat here for a moment.

And I just cried.

It’s my dad.

I’m Gonna Have to Handle That by Myself

And I know that emotionally I’m gonna have to handle that by myself.

I’m gonna have to be strong and tough when I’m not strong or tough.

So I didn’t go out there today.

And I’m really nervous about going out there.

I want to.

And I’m going to.

I’m just apprehensive about it.

I’m worried about how I’ll be seeing my dad like that.

We’ll laugh and we’ll joke like we always do.

That’s our relationship.

But knowing he’s sick and seeing him sick are drastically different things.

I Just Wanna Be With My Dad

So I am trying to not fixate on it because I know that that will not help me in any way, shape, or form.

And I’m trying to celebrate the win of getting to see him and spending time with him.

I know that this is going to be the start of me having a better relationship with my family.

I’m here to make progress on that.

I choose to make progress on that.

As I work on myself, I want to work on the relationships that have struggled.

That I feel like I’ve lost.

That I haven’t poured myself into the way that I’d want to.

But more importantly, I just wanna be with my dad.

I Am My Father’s Child

I don’t know if I’ve ever said anything about it on my podcast or not, but I am named after my dad.

It’s a really big deal to me.

My dad’s name is James.

And they added H-A to the end to get Jamesha.

And it is something that I am very proud of.

I’m very prideful about being named after my dad.

I am my father’s child.

We are two peas in a pod.

And I’m worried.

I’m concerned.

I am...

Excuse me.

I’m at Peace

I’m at peace.

If I have to deal with the situation, I’d rather deal with it knowing that I come from a place of peace than a place of stress.

And I think that makes a big difference.

Because back at home in Kansas, I’m just always in fight mode.

Extreme.

On the edge.

I’m constantly having to worry about something.

So it’s nice to be here and just kind of be.

And then deal with things as they come versus trying to preemptively plan for strikes.

So today was a good day.

It was relaxing.

I ate yummy foods.

I talked to friends.

When I am done with my podcast, I plan to relax.

Watch some TV.

Enjoy the rest of my evening.

It’s Been Good to Be Out Here

It’s been good to be out here.

Like, I can already feel like it’s just kind of decompressing.

I officially start work on Tuesday.

That’s all good to go.

I am seeing me.

I am hearing me.

But I think part of that is that I’m choosing to.

I’m choosing to look at me and say:

“Hey, you matter.”

“I see you.”

“I hear you.”

And that is something that for the longest time I’ve struggled with.

It’s Hard When You Feel Alone

It’s even harder to deal with when you are in a relationship and you feel alone.

On one of my clips on TikTok recently, I had a follower comment that she really appreciated my content.

She really relates to it.

And we were talking about how I’ve been married for ten years.

With my husband for twelve.

And I can go home after a day’s work and the first thing I’m gonna hear is:

“What’s for dinner?”

Like, I did just walk in the door.

And then we’ll have that conversation back and forth.

And later on in the fight, when I am talking about:

“Hey, these things are important to me and those needs aren’t getting met.”

It always comes back out like:

“Well, you always pick what we eat for dinner.”

Because you put it on my plate.

Like you a baby.

You made it my thing.

I didn’t ask for that.

We Live Through Other People’s Eyes

We live through other people’s eyes.

And I responded to her saying that it’s hard when we’re willing to give our all to somebody and they’re not willing to give a fraction of themselves back.

And yet somehow still we act according to what we want from them.

So I need you to remember today:

You are not the reflection that they show you.

They don’t get to decide your worth.

They don’t get to determine the person you are by how they treat you.

And it’s a fragile thought to process.

Because it’s so easy to say:

“If only I did this differently, they would treat me better.”

“They would do this differently.”

That’s not on you.

That’s on them.

They get to own that.

They get to sit with that.

My Bite of Pie

Today’s bite of pie is relaxing.

I took my time to take care of me.

I relaxed.

I got up and took a shower.

Washed my hair, which is why it’s so curly.

Because I was in a relaxed state of mind and I did those things, when I got emails to do things for my job, I was able to get up and just do them.

Because it was like:

Hey.

I’ve got time.

I’ve got the brain capacity to do that today.

And it was nice.

It was nice to not be on edge.

My bite of pie.

Tomorrow I think I am going to take the day for myself.

I think that I’m going to visit my dad on Monday.

I wasn’t sure about it.

I was thinking about doing it tomorrow.

But I think I’m going to do it Monday.

And that’s going to be my boost for the work week.

And tomorrow I’m going to sit and relax and write and laugh.

And then Sunday, my birthday, I’m gonna do something nice for myself.

I’ve earned that.

But even more importantly, I want us to get to a point where we stop feeling we have to earn being nice to ourselves.

Or someone else being nice to us.

There are certain things in life we shouldn’t have to work for.

Being treated respectfully.

Resting.

Relaxing.

Those aren’t things you earn.

Those are givens.

And I think it’s time that we remind ourselves we don’t have to earn those things.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.