Dear Forgiving Me: I’m Worth Trying Again

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How many times have you chosen to forgive someone who has done you wrong or hurt you?

Is it because you’re afraid of what it would be like to lose them out of your life?

Is it because you think that they deserve a second chance?

Tonight I Went and Visited With My Dad

Tonight I went and visited with my dad.

And it felt so good.

He joked and played with me and we talked.

I told him:

“Your favorite daughter’s here.”

And he said:

“I don’t see her.”

And looked right past me.

We had a good laugh.

And then he called me by every name but my own, using all my sisters’ names.

And then when he did get to my name, he said:

“James-ha.”

Which he knows that I hate.

And then said:

“I know who you are, Jamesha.”

And I cannot begin to explain how much those little moments meant.

To know that he recognizes me.

And that he loves me.

And that he cares about me.

And that I get to see him as frequently as I want while I’m here.

I Miss My Dad

But as I was talking to him, I was also having a conversation with my mom.

And I was telling them that back home when I get really anxious and I’m crying and I am falling over my words, I don’t know what to do but panic.

I always say:

“I want my dad.”

“I want my dad.”

“I want my dad.”

“I want my dad.”

“I just want my dad.”

And I was telling him that.

And my mom said:

“Do you really miss California that badly?”

And I said:

“No. I miss my dad.”

“Do you not think that I would miss my dad?”

And she says:

“Well, he’s always here. You can call him and FaceTime him.”

And while that is true, it’s not the same.

It’s not the same being able to reach out and poke him.

Or to see his smile in person.

That hits differently.

We Joked and We Laughed and We Played

And so I sat there for an hour and a half.

And we joked and we laughed and we played.

And we teased.

Because one of the things that I like to tease him about is:

“Dad, now can I divorce my husband?”

And the running joke is:

“Dad, am I allowed to divorce him because he’s white?”

And my dad’s response is always the same:

“No, because you knew he was white when you married him.”

And we laugh and we play.

It’s a joke.

It’s something that is very much my dad and I.

When I first walked in, I said:

“Hey Daddy, how are you?”

And he said that he didn’t know his name.

My dad knows his name.

And I said:

“Well, guess I’ll just have to call you Elizabeth.”

And he goes:

“Okay, I guess I’m Elizabeth.”

We just have this really joking and playful and loving relationship.

I wouldn’t change it for the world.

You’re Not Allowed to Go Before I Go

I even told him at some point that he wasn’t allowed to get any older.

He looks at me and says:

“I won’t.”

And I said:

“Good, because you’re not allowed to go before I go.”

“You’re my daddy.”

“You have to stay.”

And then I told him that he has to live as long as Adam did in the Bible and have just as many kids.

And he looked at my mom.

And my mom looked at me.

And they started laughing.

And it felt good.

It felt right.

It felt natural.

I felt happy.

There Was a Niceness About Sitting With My Mom Too

But it wasn’t just seeing my dad.

There was a niceness about sitting with my mom too.

And while we didn’t do a lot of talking between she and I, like, we did talk some.

It was simple.

And it was pleasant.

And I wasn’t rushing to walk away from it like I usually am.

So I continued to sit and talk to her.

And then I told my dad I was gonna get up and go because his attention span only lasts so long.

And I knew that.

Which is why I prefer being in person.

And she said:

“Okay, James. I’m gonna go take her on the tour of the house and then I’ll be right back.”

And so my mom did just that.

She took me on a tour of their house.

And we got to talking about baking bread and appliances.

And just kind of the things that you talk about as you get older.

The mundane things.

But they’re so important.

Like:

I bake bread.

I need a bread maker.

Things of that nature.

And we had this conversation.

Then it was like:

“Hey, you know, the next time you’re coming back, just let me know ahead of time so I can make sure that I’m here.”

It was good.

She Was My Best Little Friend

I think if I had to pick something that wasn’t pleasant about this trip, it’s that I have a sister who I am 17 years apart from.

And when she was a baby, we were thicker than thieves.

She was my best little friend.

But growing up in my household was really hard for me.

And so at some point I moved out when I was 18.

And I guess she used to sit at the window waiting for me to come.

And I just didn’t.

And it wasn’t that I didn’t love her.

Or I didn’t care.

It wasn’t that she didn’t mean the world to me.

She’ll never understand how difficult it was to not watch her grow up and not be a part of her life.

And I’d like to make amends for that.

But she won’t even come out of her room when I’m there.

So as I was leaving, I said bye.

And I got no response.

I’m Not Gonna Give Up

And I have decided that I’m not gonna give up.

This is on me.

This is a me problem.

It’s not necessarily what I know how to fix.

But it’s worth trying.

And so that’s how that went.

And on my way home, I was kind of processing how things went and what happened and how things transpired.

And that’s where the Dear Forgiving Me came in.

I’m So Great at Doing That for Everyone but Myself

Because I am so quick to forgive or look past people’s flaws or disappointment or the way that they hurt me.

I give them chances upon chances upon chances.

As if it’s my job to make sure that they really fell with me before I cut them off.

And I was thinking about how I’m so great at doing that for everyone but myself.

I don’t forgive myself.

I punish myself.

I make it the worst thing ever.

As if I don’t deserve just as much forgiveness and free will to make mistakes and try again.

Maybe Who You Are Is Enough for Them

And in this particular scenario, I have had a rough relationship with my mom.

And I feel like I have given her chances to mend that relationship for a long time.

I have acknowledged that some of the problems in our relationship are because of me.

Yes, I was a child.

Even as a child, some of the things that I did or I said, I knew what I was doing.

And it wasn’t appropriate.

And I always hold it against myself that I’m not what they needed me or wanted me to be.

I could only be me.

I couldn’t be this idealistic child that I think that they wanted me to be.

And so today it looked like giving myself a little forgiveness.

A little grace.

Hey.

Maybe you got that wrong.

Maybe who you are is enough for them.

I Feel Like I Have to Constantly Go Through This List of Accomplishments

And maybe instead of trying to impress them at every moment with:

“I did this.”

“And I could do this.”

“And I’m good at this.”

“And I’m at that.”

Which is what I feel like I did today.

Like:

“I did this job interview and I got the job.”

I feel like I have to constantly go through this list of accomplishments to make sure they realize I’m doing well.

That I’m doing great in life.

I may not be a doctor or a scientist.

But I’m me.

And she’s pretty great too.

And so it’s learning how to forgive myself that I didn’t have to be perfect.

I just had to be me.

In My Being Perfect, I Couldn’t Win the Affection From Myself

My whole life I felt like I had to be perfect.

I had everything tidy and together.

And that was the only way to win over affection of people.

And yet in my being perfect, I couldn’t win the affection from myself.

So as I take a look at some of the relationships that I’ve let fall, I’ve got six brothers and sisters.

Three brothers.

Three sisters.

And I don’t really have a good relationship with any of them.

And yes, that is a two-way street.

And I know that if they wanted a relationship with me, they could also try.

But I’m the big sister.

And I’ve made no attempt.

You Didn’t Know What You Didn’t Know

And while I beat myself up on that, like:

“I’m not a good sister.”

“I’m a bad sister.”

I can hold it against me.

Which is typically how that works.

Or I can give myself grace and forgiveness and say:

“Hey, you didn’t know what you didn’t know.”

“But you do now.”

“And going forward, I can do something different.”

But I can only give myself space to grow if I’m willing to forgive myself for my past.

That’s a hard thing to do.

You Don’t Have to Stay That Way

It’s a hard thing to do to look yourself in the mirror and say:

“Hey, you have made some mistakes.”

“You have done things that you’re not proud of.”

“You have done some questionable things.”

“And they sucked.”

“And for a while, you may not have been the best person.”

“You may not have been a good person.”

“But you don’t have to stay that way.”

I get to rewrite the story.

I Get to Rewrite the Story

Now, granted, my family gets to decide if they want me to be a part of their story.

I don’t need to control that.

What I have control over is being someone who is worthy of being in somebody else’s story.

And that looks like changing from the inside.

And forgiving me for my mistakes.

“Hey, you know, I made this decision.”

“And looking back on it, it wasn’t the right one.”

“And if I had known then the things that I recognize and know now, I would do it differently.”

“I would handle it differently.”

“So I’m sorry.”

The Person I Have to Apologize to the Most Is Me

And I think the person I have to apologize to the most is me.

I’m sorry that I continued to hurt me.

I continued to put myself down.

I continued to tell myself that I can’t accomplish the things that I want to accomplish.

I’m sorry I don’t give myself a chance.

I’m sorry that at the end of the day I am my own worst critic.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t my biggest supporter.

My biggest fan.

When I should have been the entire time.

And now that I’m sorry, I want to tell myself:

While it’s not okay, I’m glad you recognize it.

And going forward, let’s do something different.

We’re Doing Something Different

If you want something to change, you have to do something different.

And I think that’s a reminder that I have to tell myself every morning:

“Hey, we’re doing something different.”

So downstairs in the cabinet, I have the gallon of water.

I’m horrible with drinking water.

But I want to lose weight.

And I want to be hydrated.

So I have to do something different.

And that is what the rest of my life should look like.

It’s me doing something different.

Me forgiving myself and saying:

“Hey, it’s okay.”

“Let’s try again.”

“You’re worth trying again.”

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today.

I slept in.

I haven’t done my laundry and it’s throwing me off because it’s Saturday.

But I got up and I went to see my family.

I was nervous.

Like, sitting there waiting for them to pull up, I felt like there was a rock sitting on my chest kind of nervous.

You shouldn’t feel that way when going to see family.

But I did.

And you know what?

I still did it.

And I survived it.

And I walked away smiling.

I Should Get a Picture With Mom Too

I also did something that I don’t usually do.

Every time I’ve gone to visit, I’ve always taken a picture with me and my dad.

I will always take a picture of me and my dad.

But after I took the picture with me and my dad, I said:

“You know what? I should get a picture with Mom too.”

“Because usually I leave her out.”

“And that’s not very nice.”

And my dad said:

“No, that’s not very nice.”

And so all three of us took a picture together.

We’ve never done that.

I’ve been alive for 43 years.

And never once have I taken a picture on my own with my mom and my dad.

So today, that’s my bite of pie.

I made a memory that I’ll keep forever.

And I made plans to continue to make those memories that I’ll keep forever as I watch my parents continue to get older.

And as I celebrate a birthday tomorrow.

As I continue to get older.

I’ll make those memories.

And I’ll keep them here and here.

Because they’re important to me.

We Did the Best We Could With What We Knew

And I hope those of you who are listening to me and watching me and on this journey with me, that you’re forgiving yourself.

You’re giving yourself the chance to make mistakes.

Learn from those mistakes.

And do something different.

That’s human nature.

That’s how we grew.

We didn’t learn to spell words off the bat.

Or to walk off the bat.

We fell.

We spelled things wrong.

We sounded them out.

We did the best we could with what we knew.

And then when we learned something different, we applied something different.

We forgave ourselves for what we didn’t know.

As adults, we need to do that again.

We need to acknowledge that:

Hey.

We messed up.

But we can do something different.

So I want you to sit down tonight and think about what you could forgive yourself for.

What can you say:

“Hey, I didn’t recognize it when I was doing it.”

“But I recognize it now.”

“I’m sorry I did that.”

“And let’s do something different.”

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.