Dear Joyful Me: I’m Giving Myself a Chance to Live Again

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Have you ever had a day go so right that you just don’t trust it?

It’s like:

This cannot possibly be your life.

We Are Masons Through and Through

Today I slept in.

And then I got to get ready to have lunch with my family.

And I thought that my dad was gonna be there because that was what I was told.

That was the plan.

Unfortunately, he was not there.

And neither was my youngest sister.

So it ended up being me, my middle brother—or the middle child, actually—and then the second-to-youngest child of my mom.

And I had the best time.

We are Masons through and through.

We joke.

We laugh.

We play.

We make fun of each other.

And that’s exactly what happened the whole entire lunch.

It was us making fun of each other and teasing each other.

Well, What Are We Trying to Say?

There was one comment that was sort of made about my weight.

It was in reference to where we were all sitting.

So my sister sat across from me.

And I sat across from her.

And then my mom was like:

“I’ll sit over here to give your brother more room since, you know, your sister’s smaller.”

And I was like:

“Well, what are we trying to say?”

And my brother’s like:

“Well, I think she just said it.”

“I’m pretty sure she said it.”

And we all just kind of laughed it off.

And it didn’t hit me the same way that it usually would.

I didn’t take offense to it.

I didn’t let it hurt me.

I knew what the comment meant, obviously.

But I didn’t take it as a slight.

I have become a bigger girl.

I’m bigger than what they’re used to.

I can recognize that.

And I can acknowledge that.

I also recognize it as something that I want to work on.

I Guess You’ll Never Understand It Until You’re One of Us

So we sat there.

We talked.

And we laughed.

And we acted like Masons.

And I can say that until my face turns blue.

But I guess you’ll never understand it until you are one of us.

Because it means that we’re going to tease you with the best of them.

Especially when it comes to something that you’re like about.

So it was making fun of my sister for her work ethic and her job and how she does it.

It was making fun of my brother for the size that he is.

It was making fun of me for the size that I am.

It was making fun of my mom for not being able to read her menu.

Like, it just was a good time.

My Sister Would Just Go...

But then there was this woman sitting in the booth across from us who just kept staring at us.

No idea why.

She would just...

And I think that would bother a lot of people.

But to us, we’re just dumb about it.

And so whenever she would do it, my sister would just go...

And I would laugh so hard.

Because I knew what my sister was doing.

Like, if she wouldn’t have done it, I would have done it.

That’s just who we are.

And so it’s really fun to see just, again, how alike we all are.

And just how much fun we had.

It Felt So Good Just Hanging Out With My Siblings

I was expecting to pay for my lunch.

But my mom and my sister bought my lunch today.

Which was really nice of them.

I hadn’t planned on that.

So then we get done eating and my brother calls his wife.

And I get to meet her and talk to her because I haven’t met her.

And she doesn’t live here in this country.

So that was kind of cool.

And then we decided we would go shopping.

Well, my sister didn’t want to go.

But I was like:

Okay.

Me and my brother could just go.

So we met up.

And we walked around.

And we talked.

And we shopped.

And it felt so good just hanging out with my siblings.

I absolutely loved it.

I love the fact that we made plans to do some more hanging out.

There’s talk about me going to Mexico with him to visit his wife and his child.

Guys.

It’s just looking beautiful.

Beans From WinCo? Is That You?

But in addition to that, I was looking for a friend that I had when I first lived here.

And she was my best friend.

I called her Beans.

She called me Boots.

No particular reason why.

One day I called her Beans.

Her response was to call me Boots.

And it stuck.

We used to hang out all the time together.

And for whatever reason, we lost track of each other.

We just lost connection.

I moved.

She had her own life going on.

And I was chasing after some guy I probably shouldn’t have been chasing after.

And so when I got back, I was like:

I want to find her.

But I don’t know where to begin to look.

All I know is her name.

So I Googled it.

And Google said that she worked for the county.

And I’m like:

I can’t really exactly email the county like:

“Hey, hey, who are you?”

So I went to old trusty dusty Facebook.

And I typed in her name.

And I got one hit.

And I was like:

This could be her.

But it wasn’t a picture of her.

So I tried to dig into the profile a little bit.

And then I saw a picture that I thought was her.

And I’m like:

Okay.

Well, I’m just gonna take the chance.

And I sent her a message.

First I requested her so that the message would show up.

And I said:

“Beans from WinCo?”

“Is that you?”

Yes, It’s Me

And then I went and enjoyed lunch with my family.

And we had a good time.

And it wasn’t until I got home and checked my phone that it was:

“Yes, it’s me.”

It was so great to connect with her.

She’s like:

“I was literally just thinking about you last week.”

I swear.

Things are just clicking.

They’re just magically working.

And I love that.

I love that I’m finding myself so quickly.

And that I’m hoping to see the mental issues die down and the weight drop off.

I think just, again, being mentally in a better spot would be helpful.

So she and I are talking about getting together.

And I would love to get together with Boots and Beans.

We were a dynamic duo.

I Went to Bed Smiling and Woke Up Smiling

And then last night, at the end of my birthday, I got off here and I laid down.

And I rested.

And that was gonna be my plan.

But I had one more birthday surprise.

A friend picked me up and hung out with me last night.

And I just had a wonderful time.

It was nice to be able to relax and enjoy myself.

It was nice to have a friend to hang out with.

It was nice to climb into my bed and feel happy and smile.

And to wake up smiling.

I just...

I feel happy.

Things Are Clicking

Tomorrow I start my job.

And as usual, I’m a little nervous.

Because my first thought is:

My gosh.

This kid’s not gonna like me.

I always think the kids aren’t gonna like me.

So I’m a little concerned by that.

But I found out that my sister works in the same area that I’ll be working in.

So I could possibly pop over to see her at work.

My uncle also works in the same place that she does.

So again, the possibility of seeing him.

I just...

Things are clicking.

Things are making sense.

They’re working.

And I’m excited.

I Had to Take a Leap

But I want to remind you that in order to get to where I am now, I had to take a leap.

I couldn’t just stay where I was.

I couldn’t just not do anything.

I had to make moves.

No matter how scary they were.

No matter how nervous they made me.

You can only move forward if you try.

And sometimes trying is the hardest thing.

Because of how scary it is.

Because of the unknown.

My Heart Is Just Overwhelmingly Happy

But I wouldn’t be sitting here in this room smiling as hard as I am.

I think, again, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve just...

My heart is just overwhelmingly happy.

I’m not stressed.

I’m not upset.

I’ve got plans.

I’m budgeting in my head.

I’ll probably sit down and budget tonight about where I want things to go and how I want things to move.

And all the things.

All the plans.

And I’m excited about it.

I’m not stressed.

I’m not angry.

I’m not rushing.

I am peacefully coexisting with myself.

It Feels Like Home

And yeah, part of me thinks:

Well, what if I got my own place?

And I’m like:

Whoa.

Whoa.

Slow down.

You don’t need to do that.

But it sounds...

It feels like home.

And I’ve been wanting to feel at home for a very long time.

I’ve needed to feel at home for a very long time.

And it’s only been a few days.

So obviously there’s gonna be some tumultuous times.

I’m not promising it’s gonna be easy.

I know who I am.

I do have plans to see doctors while I’m out here to make sure that I’m getting on track and make sure that my mental health is steady.

But...

I’m happy.

Happy and Proud

And I’m proud of me.

And it’s been a long time since I felt both of those things at the same time.

Happy and proud.

And a part of me questions that.

Not because it’s wrong.

But because it’s:

What does that mean for all the people that I left that I love?

Because I did leave people back there that I love and that I care about.

And I don’t want it to be that I’m happy without them.

Because it’s not that I’m happy without them.

It’s just that I’m happy.

We Stifle Our Own Dreams and Wants

And I think a lot of the times when we make decisions for ourselves, part of the reason why we freeze is because we feel guilty about letting someone else down.

We feel guilty about hurting somebody else.

And so we stifle our own dreams and wants in order to make somebody else feel better.

And I almost did that.

I almost told myself no.

I almost backed out.

I almost gave up and gave in way before I should have.

And I would hope that those people that I care deeply about see me and say:

“No.”

“There’s something different.”

“There’s something better.”

“There’s something clearly happening that doesn’t necessarily make sense.”

“But this was the right move for her.”

And so I’m doing it.

I Want to Do More Things With Dear Journal

I still have some things to iron out and wrinkle out.

I have some plans I want to make.

I have some moves I want to make within the business.

I want to do some more things with Dear Journal.

And I want to start using the journals that I wrote as part of our podcast.

Answer questions.

Working on the book together.

So I want to get that rolling.

I just...

I want to help someone feel the way that I’m feeling now.

I Should Give Myself a Chance to Live Again

And it’s not just that I’m feeling joyful.

It’s that I’m feeling like I should give myself a chance to live again.

And I feel like that is so important.

Because it’s such a struggle to feel like you should live again.

Like, we could be alive.

We’re breathing.

We’re walking.

We’re taking care of the things that we need to take care of.

But we don’t feel like we’re living.

And at this moment in time?

That’s what it feels like for me.

I Am Taking Leaps and Bounds to Do the Things That Bring Me Joy

It feels like I’m doing something.

I’m not just sitting on my hands idling.

I’m not worried about the next thing or who I would please.

I’m saying:

This needs to be done for me.

I’m gonna do it.

So I called my parents.

So I went to my mom’s house.

So I went to lunch with my mom and my brother and sister.

So I reached out to a friend to see if that was them.

I am taking leaps and bounds to do the things that bring me joy.

And what do you know?

I’m joyful.

That’s how it works, right?

My Bite of Pie

So my bite of pie today?

I went to that lunch.

And I hung out with my brother and my sister.

And I was nervous about it.

And I enjoyed myself.

I loved it.

I love that we’re making plans to do things together.

I love that I’m reaching back out to friends and family.

And it’s not just local friends and family.

But it’s relationships that I felt like I’ve lost.

Because at some point in time, I’ve lost myself so completely.

I didn’t have the capacity to keep up with relationships.

I’m working back towards those relationships.

And if I find that they don’t suit me, they don’t fit my lifestyle now, it’s okay for me to say:

“Hey, you know, I’m really sorry that it fell and that I dropped the ball in keeping it.”

“But this really doesn’t fit who I am now.”

And so that’s my mindset.

And it’s so nice to have this mindset.

To have this plan of living life.

I’m Here Now

It’s been a while since I’ve wanted to hide and cover my head and cry.

And it’s been a while since I have questioned where I should exist or not.

And I’m enjoying it.

And I hope that you’ll let me help you get to that point too.

Where we can both sit down and say:

“Hey.”

“Wow.”

“If you’d asked me a month ago if I’d be here and if this would be working, I would have said no.”

“But I’m here now.”

“It’s working now.”

“I’m enjoying myself now.”

And that’s important.

It’s a Day-by-Day Process

So I need you, wherever you are, to get prepared for us to do our journals together.

And to write our stories.

To not have things be perfect.

Not have things be the way we want them automatically.

Mental health isn’t about making things the way we want them instantly.

That doesn’t happen.

It’s a day-by-day process.

It’s a step-by-step motion.

It’s rewriting your story as many times as we need to.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.