Dear Delusional Me: I’m Worth the Work

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Have you ever thought that something was happening when you knew that it wasn’t?

Like you suspect this really bad thing.

And you could almost see it happening.

But it’s not happening.

That’s how my day has been.

I Woke Up in an Absolute Panic

This morning I woke up in an absolute panic.

Not from a nightmare.

Not from a dream.

I was sleeping just fine.

And I woke up and I just had this boulder sitting on my chest.

And the first thing I did was call my husband and was like:

“Hey, like, I’m really worried.”

Well.

Let’s be truthful.

The first thing I did was get online and check his Twitch account.

Because that’s usually when he is streaming.

But he wasn’t on.

And I’m like:

Okay.

I can just roll over and forget all of it.

No.

Couldn’t do that.

So I called him.

And everything was fine.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

He just didn’t happen to stream last night.

But I could have sworn something was happening.

Like, I could see it.

I could feel it.

All my senses were going off.

And yet?

Nothing.

There was literally nothing.

The Terrible Bad Thing That Never Happened

So I went back to bed and slept it off.

Got up for work.

And it just so happened that I didn’t start today because they are pushing my date back.

Fine.

Whatever.

And then I kind of just sat around and hung out.

Called my bestie today and got to talk to her.

Catch her up on all the things that have been happening in my life.

She listens to my podcast.

But it’s different to have, like, a one-on-one conversation about everything that’s happening.

And she’s probably one of my biggest cheers right now in support that I am happy.

That I am doing something that makes me unbelievably happy.

And then I talked to her about the terrible bad thing that never happened.

Just the ick feeling that stayed with me.

And she and I discussed it.

And she was like:

“Well, I can kind of see where that would get produced.”

And it’s like:

Yeah.

So I’m not just going crazy.

“No, you’re not going crazy.”

“Your thought process there, I can see how it materialized.”

And we just hung out and talked and chatted.

He Is Hurt

Then I got dressed.

Waited for my husband to call me back.

And he calls me back.

But I was in the shower.

So I call him back.

And he’s not happy with me.

At all.

He isn’t upset like he isn’t angry.

But I am not his favorite person right now.

He is hurt.

Understandably so.

And I understand why he’s hurt.

And I understand that he’s trying to work with me through what I’m feeling.

But he’s hurt.

And I don’t know what to do with that.

I don’t know how to process what I’m feeling with what he’s feeling.

I don’t know how to work through the craziness that I feel like is in my head.

But not in my head.

I’ll Just Forget About It

And so I tell myself:

I just won’t worry about it.

I will just forget about it.

Wash my hands of it.

So I tell him that I’m gonna get off the phone.

I’m gonna let him go and enjoy his day.

And we do that.

And I go to sleep.

Not crying.

But on the verge of tears.

And I recognize how delusional I’m being.

Because if, even for a second, I thought that I could just forget things?

I’m wrong.

I hate it that I’m wrong.

I hate knowing that it’s going to sit with me.

And it’s gonna bother me.

And it’s gonna eat at me until I can magically work it out.

I Don’t Know How to Get Out of the Box That I’m In

My husband has always said that I get into this mindset where until he can say the magic thing, I don’t get out of it.

And I understand that to be true for him.

I just don’t think he understands that that happens in my head.

But I don’t know how to get out of the box that I’m in.

I didn’t put myself there intentionally.

I don’t enjoy being there.

I’m just there.

And so today has been spent with me trying to convince myself that I don’t care.

I’m not hurt.

Or I’m not upset.

By things that really no one’s actually done.

I Really Enjoyed Talking to You

My poor husband.

I sent him a text message today telling him that I was sorry that I called him at two o’clock this morning my time.

Four o’clock his time.

And his response was:

“I really enjoyed talking to you.”

And to me, that was such an odd response.

That’s a response that:

“Hey, it was great catching up.”

“I’ll talk to you later.”

“It was great talking to you.”

Something you say to your friend.

Or a distant relative.

Not something you say to your wife.

And again, I think that’s just it.

It was eating at me.

I Have to Make Sure Everything’s Miserable There

I’ve convinced myself that in order to maybe be happy here, I have to make sure everything’s miserable there.

I don’t have the right to feel happy here if things are fine there.

And I think in part that’s what I’m doing.

I am trying to make a caveat where being happy here is okay.

Where my life had to be so bad there in order for me to enjoy the time here.

I don’t think that’s the case.

And I talked about that with my friend today.

Like, I miss my friends.

I have friends down there.

I have people I enjoy spending time with.

There are times that me and my husband have a great time together.

I miss my kids.

I don’t have to write everything off as bad because I’m not there.

Everything Has to Have a Beginning and an End

But in order for my brain to work, everything has to have a beginning and an end.

And the ending has to be something I can cut off.

Close the door.

And not reopen again.

And so I’m wondering if that’s where the delusional part comes from.

It’s just me trying to logistically figure out how to operate my two worlds.

Because if it’s not good for me to go back there, then I just don’t go back there, right?

But that’s never been the issue.

That’s never been the problem.

Me going back there.

I don’t know.

It’s something that I’m definitely struggling with.

I Don’t Know How to Say That Both Places Deserve a Good Me

I don’t know how to unpack all of that.

Or where to go with it.

I know that I wish I could talk to somebody about it.

Actually talk to somebody about it.

I think for sure that finding a therapist out here would be a great idea.

Because I’m gonna have things.

Or I’m gonna have to join the two lives together.

I don’t know how to do that.

I don’t know how to celebrate here and celebrate there.

I don’t know how to say that both places deserve a good me.

I don’t even know what that looks like.

Here I’m Just Happy

I know here I’m just happy.

I am living my life.

I’m enjoying my life.

I’m not worried or scared about anything here.

My fears always go back to there.

I’m afraid what’s going on there.

I have no control over it.

I’m not there.

And to be fair, I talk to my kids and I talk to my spouse every day.

So it’s not that I don’t know what’s going on there.

I’ve just convinced myself that because I’m not hands-on, things are gonna go awry.

And then I can’t plan on how to fix them.

I can’t navigate them.

I can’t work through them or work them out.

Because I won’t have all the details I need to do so.

I can’t preemptively plan.

Let alone preemptively strike.

Giving Up That Control Is Terrifying

And for me, giving up that control is terrifying.

For me, acknowledging that I can’t have my hand on everything all the time drives me crazy.

Because what do you mean you went grocery shopping today with our kid?

And bought stuff for eating?

Perfectly natural thing to do, right?

That’s expected.

My husband should go grocery shopping for him and our kid whether I’m there or not.

But in my mind, it’s saying:

Hmm.

Why?

Why are you doing that all of a sudden?

Because they have to eat?

Because food is needed?

Because it’s necessary?

I Wish That Logic Could Erase All the Doubts and Fears

And I wish that all that logic could just erase all the doubts and the fears.

It doesn’t.

It sometimes makes it worse.

Because then it makes me wonder just why my thoughts are so bad.

Where did I go wrong that I can’t accept that my husband is taking care of our child?

He’s spending time with our child.

Those are good things.

Not bad things.

And yet in my mind, it seems to mean something completely different.

I’m not needed.

I’m not wanted.

He’s moved on.

I’ve been gone since last Tuesday.

It’s been a week.

And I’m convinced that I’m unimportant.

Nobody wants me there.

Nobody needs me there in my household.

No matter how far from true it may be, it’s how I feel.

And I’m struggling with it.

Did That Really Happen?

I don’t know how to maneuver through what is true and what is not.

Part of my mental health crisis is that my dreams can seem overlapping with reality.

They can be very similar.

And it’s hard sometimes to discern which is which.

There have been plenty of times that I’ve woken up and I’ve asked my husband:

“Did we have this conversation?”

“No.”

“Are you sure we didn’t have this conversation?”

“Because I remember having this conversation.”

“Nope.”

“We didn’t talk about that.”

And it was just a full-fledged conversation in my dream that had all the components of it to make it seem like a real conversation.

Or I will think that I’ve made these meals.

Or had these conversations.

Done these activities.

And we’re not talking like déjà vu.

We’re talking, in my mind, these literally happened.

And I can’t tell:

Did that really happen?

Or was that my mind playing tricks on me?

And it makes me feel delusional.

It makes me feel like I’m losing what is little left of my mind.

This Is Where Mental Health Becomes Tricky

So this is where mental health becomes tricky.

Because while I’m happy, I’m also feeling this negative thing that I don’t know what to do with.

And this is usually where we, like, clam up and hunker down.

Because by God, we’re gonna figure it out.

But I can’t.

And it’s okay that I can’t.

It’s okay that I don’t have all the answers or the solutions to it.

And I know that.

And it’s okay to ask for help.

My biggest issue is asking for help.

But I plan to do just that.

Right Now I Feel Like What I Need Is Someone to Talk To

I’m gonna reach out to some friends.

And I’m gonna reach out to a therapist while I’m here.

And say:

“Look.”

“Here’s the deal.”

“This is what I’m going through.”

“This is my mindset.”

“How do I cope through this?”

Yes.

I have coping skills.

I just don’t know how they would all work right now.

Right now I feel like what I need is someone to talk to.

And it’s my job to make sure that I take care of that need.

It’s my responsibility to say:

“Hey.”

“This is something you need to do.”

“So do it.”

I Don’t Have to Like It

I don’t have to like it.

And trust and believe, the idea of starting a new therapy session with a new therapist?

It’s not high on my list of things I’d like to do.

But it’s important.

Mental health is a struggle.

It doesn’t always look pretty.

It’s not always neat.

It doesn’t show up at the most opportune times.

It looks like having really great days and then:

Bam.

Wait.

Where did that come from?

What’s that random thought that makes no sense in my life?

And why must I deal with it right now?

Why must I hyperfocus on it?

Hyperfixate on it?

Why am I so bogged down with this concern that isn’t really a concern?

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today?

Recognizing that there’s an issue.

And that it’s not necessarily an everybody else’s issue.

It’s a me issue.

But still recognizing that it’s a fixable issue.

It just means putting in the work to do so.

And I’m worth that work.

I don’t have to like everything that is good for me.

I don’t like taking medicine when medicine’s good for me.

I don’t like getting eight hours of sleep when that’s healthy.

I definitely don’t like drinking water.

But some things are just good for you.

And you’re expected to do it.

For me, with my mental health, therapy is probably a good idea.

Not that writing in my journal every night doesn’t help.

But I think because of how much it’s helped, it’s given me the opportunity to sit down and say:

“Hey.”

“I know where my weaknesses are.”

“And I can do something about them.”

So that’s my bite of pie today.

I’m going to persevere.

I’m gonna keep going.

I am going to figure it out to the best of my ability.

And then what I can’t do on my own?

I’m gonna get help with.

And I hope that you are doing the same.

You are recognizing:

“Hey, there are some things that I’m really good at.”

“Things that I’m great at.”

“And I can do those on my own.”

“But in this particular situation, I could use the help.”

I could use someone to bounce ideas off of.

To learn new skills from.

To just listen.

Unequivocally.

Without judgment.

Just listen.

So I want you to give yourself that chance.

I want you to give yourself the opportunity to help yourself by letting someone else help you.

Today is another page in the story.

It does not have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.