Dear Impulsive Me: When Acting Quickly Keeps You From Asking What You Really Need

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How are you at controlling your impulses?

Can you take a step back and think something through before acting?

I would like to believe I can do that most of the time.

Sometimes, I can pause.

I can give myself a moment to consider what I am doing, why I am doing it, and whether it is actually a good idea.

Then there are the other times.

The times when the intrusive thought wins.

The impulse shows up, and I act before the reasonable part of my brain has a chance to join the conversation.

Sometimes I Just Do Things

There are certain things I do not like to plan.

I just do them.

Quitting a job?

I just do it.

Applying for a job?

I just do it.

Once, I gave myself a nickname entirely on a whim.

Triple H.

Before you ask, it stands for hyper, hungry, and horny because I am usually at least one of the three.

Sometimes guys get lucky, and I am all three at once.

The name was fitting then.

It is still fitting now.

The fact that people have known me by that nickname for years probably says more about me than I would like to admit.

Sometimes I do things that are completely out of pocket simply because they feel good in the moment.

My Impulses Get Bigger When I Want to Be Liked

I have noticed that my impulses become stronger when they involve getting someone to like me.

I recently started working with a new kiddo.

I need to build a connection with him so that he will trust me enough to participate in the things we need to do together.

The first thing he does when I open my tablet is touch the keyboard.

So I may or may not have bought him a toy with a keyboard of his own.

My reasoning was simple.

He likes the keyboard.

He needs something to engage with during our sessions.

So I bought it.

Problem solved.

Except, I have done this before.

When I worked with the girls at the mental health facility, I would see something they needed and buy it.

I did not stop to ask:

What bills are coming up?

What responsibilities do I have?

Do I actually have room in my budget for this?

I wanted to do something for someone, so I did it.

That is how I tend to live.

I throw caution—and sometimes cost—to the wind when the decision involves someone else.

Unfortunately, I often do that at my own expense.

Do They Like Me or What I Do for Them?

Somewhere along the way, I decided the fastest way to make people like, appreciate, or want me was to do things for them.

Buy the thing.

Solve the problem.

Fill the need.

Make myself useful before I have enough time to think about whether I should.

Does it work?

Does it make people want me more?

Me?

No.

The things I do for them?

Absolutely.

That is an important difference.

Someone appreciating what you provide is not always the same as someone appreciating who you are.

And yet, I still rush to prove my value through what I can give.

Why I Avoid Thinking First

Why do I rush into things?

Why do I act before giving myself time to think?

The answer feels simple.

If I give myself time to think, I might talk myself out of it.

But if I can talk myself out of something that easily, maybe it was not worth doing in the first place.

When I do not want to convince myself to make the reasonable choice, I skip the conversation entirely.

I act.

Then I deal with the consequences later.

Generally, when something is truly important, I can sit down and reason through it.

I can say:

Yes, this matters.

But something else may matter more right now.

The impulsive choices are often the ones I do not want examined too closely.

Impulses Are Not Only About Buying Things

When we talk about impulsivity, we usually talk about spending money.

Buying a car without thinking.

Ordering something expensive.

Making a large purchase because it felt good in the moment.

But impulses are not limited to physical items.

We can impulsively enter relationships.

We can impulsively form friendships.

We can join groups without asking whether they are healthy for us.

We can attach ourselves to people because they seem to solve a problem we are feeling in that moment.

Then, suddenly, it is:

I love you so much.

And we have known the person for three days.

Moving Quickly Through Relationships

I move quickly in relationships.

I also move quickly from relationships.

I do not always allow the dust to settle before I enter another one.

When I first moved to this area, I was engaged.

That relationship ended.

Within about a week, I was dating someone new.

It did not feel like a big deal.

I simply moved on.

I dated someone.

We got an apartment together.

When that relationship ended, I made him leave and started dating someone else.

Then I moved the next person into the apartment.

When that did not work, I moved him out and someone else in.

It was a back-to-back string of relationships.

The final one ended in marriage.

The last man I moved into the apartment still has not moved out.

Apparently, that one stuck.

But the way I entered those relationships was impulsive.

I was not asking:

Is this relationship good for me?

Is this what I need?

Is this even what I want?

It was more like:

This feels good right now.

It makes me feel a little less alone.

Why not?

The Relationship May Begin Quickly, but the Consequences Stay

How often do we enter a situation thinking we can talk ourselves out of it later?

How often do we end up committed to someone we knew was not right for us because we entered the relationship impulsively?

I am married to my husband.

I am not saying the entire marriage was one impulse.

We dated for two years before we got married.

I had plenty of time to leave.

I did not.

But I should have waited before entering the relationship.

He had also just come out of a relationship.

When I met him, I believed he was divorced.

I said believed for a reason.

Neither of us stopped to ask what we actually wanted or needed.

Neither of us considered whether moving forward so quickly was healthy.

We became caught in the whirlwind.

Then I found out he was not divorced.

By that point, we were already living together.

Because I acted quickly, I found myself in a relationship with someone going through an extremely messy divorce.

The impulse passed.

The situation remained.

What Would I Have Chosen if I Knew Myself Better?

My husband has many qualities I want in a partner.

I am not afraid to acknowledge that there are also things I wish were different.

There are choices I wish I had made differently.

Had I taken more time to understand myself, I might be in a different position today.

That does not mean I know exactly what I would have chosen.

Would I still be married to him if I had slowed down and thought everything through?

I do not know.

I would like to say yes.

But I honestly do not know.

That uncertainty is uncomfortable.

Still, it is more honest than pretending every impulsive decision would have led me to the exact same place.

Is It Family I Want or Love?

Today, I was thinking about family.

I thought about what a healthy marriage looks like.

Healthy friendships.

Healthy relationships.

Then I thought about the relationship between a mother and daughter.

I have wanted children for as long as I can remember.

I have dreamed of having a family since I was about five years old.

That desire has always felt like one of the clearest things I know about myself.

But today, I asked a harder question:

Do I want a family?

Or am I searching for someone who will love me?

Those are not the same thing.

Having a child does not guarantee that someone will love you.

It means you have someone you are responsible for.

A child is not born with the responsibility of filling an emotional hole inside their parent.

Fear of Becoming My Mother

The clearest example I have of motherhood is the mother who raised me.

When I was younger, I used to say that if there were any chance I would become the kind of mother she was to me, I would rather lock myself away.

I did not want to make another person feel the way I felt.

At the same time, I convinced myself that because I experienced what I did, I could simply do the opposite.

In theory, that can happen.

People can break cycles.

People can learn healthier ways of loving and parenting.

But if my only reason for chasing motherhood was to create the family I wished I had, then I had more work to do first.

Having a child should never be an impulse.

And yet, I have often been impulsive about building a family.

Apparently, I Collect Kids Like Pokémon

I joke that I collect kids like Pokémon.

Some stay.

Some do not.

I currently have two.

There are others spread across the country who still matter deeply to me.

That is part of who I am.

But I had to ask myself whether becoming a foster parent was entirely about what the children needed.

They did need parents.

They needed safety.

They needed someone to care for them.

There is truth in that.

But I also did it for me.

I wanted a family.

I wanted the ideal picture I had created in my head to become real.

I did not fully consider everything that would come with it.

Wanting the Result Without Examining the Reality

When we first became foster parents, I handled much of the parenting by myself.

My husband worked outside the home.

I did too.

But the doctor appointments, school responsibilities, transportation, and daily needs often fell back on me.

When we took in more children, the pattern continued.

He would ask whether I needed help.

That question made me angry.

He did not understand why.

To me, asking whether I needed help implied that the responsibility belonged to me.

If we both agreed to become parents, then the children were both of our responsibility.

Doctors.

Dentists.

Schools.

Transportation.

All of it.

He was not helping me with my job.

We were supposed to be doing our job together.

Had I slowed down and learned how my husband viewed parenting before we became foster parents, we might have avoided some of that conflict.

But I was so focused on getting the family I wanted that I ignored the details surrounding it.

Getting What You Want Is Not the Same as Getting What Serves You

How often do we enter relationships that we know, deep down, are not good for us?

We know the relationship is not healthy.

We know it does not serve us.

We know it is unlikely to end well.

But the impulse says:

This is how it is supposed to happen.

We met.

We connected.

Now we are together.

Then the relationship stops feeling good.

You are unhappy.

Your needs are not being met.

But because you entered it, you feel trapped inside it.

You say:

I chose this.

I have to make it work.

You do not.

A quick yes does not have to become a lifetime sentence.

Sometimes We Stay Because the Impulse Worked

Sometimes someone enters a relationship with a person they never expected to attract.

They think:

I did not expect someone like this to want me.

Then the person says yes.

The impulse feels successful.

They feel chosen.

But later, they realize they do not even like the person very much.

Now they are exhausting themselves trying to meet the needs of someone they do not truly want to be with.

The impulse worked.

They got the relationship.

But getting what you impulsively wanted does not mean it was good for you.

Many of My Relationships Began as Impulses

I realized today that many of my relationships were built on impulses.

I am grateful that some of them became deeper.

Some became meaningful.

Some became permanent parts of my life.

But I wish I had understood what I was doing when I made those decisions.

Would I have the same friends if I had thought everything through?

Would I live in Missouri?

Would I live in Kansas?

Would I have married my husband?

I do not know.

I am thankful for the people I have met.

I am thankful for my children.

I would not change who they are or what they mean to me.

But I can be thankful for the outcome while acknowledging that the process was impulsive.

Both things can be true.

My Children Are Still My Children

My kids will always be my kids.

They may have other mothers.

Other fathers.

Other relationships.

But they will still be able to call me when they are thirty-five and say:

Mom, I need you.

And they will know I will answer.

That is who I am as a mother.

The relationship does not have to look exactly the way I once imagined for it to be real.

That realization matters because I have spent much of my life believing family had to fit one specific picture.

The Picture I Thought I Needed

I believed that to have a family, I had to get married.

I had to have a child with my husband.

I needed the house.

The land.

The cars.

The jobs.

I needed the entire picture.

But none of those things automatically creates a family.

A marriage certificate does not guarantee love.

A house does not guarantee safety.

A child does not guarantee closeness.

Having all the pieces does not mean the picture will feel complete.

Still, I kept chasing that version because I believed it was necessary.

Impulses Try to Fill What Is Missing

We often chase things we do not actually need to chase.

We serve our impulses because something inside us feels missing.

The impulse promises to fill it quickly.

Buy this.

Date this person.

Join this group.

Move in.

Get married.

Have a child.

Help someone.

Give something away.

Make yourself useful.

Then maybe you will finally feel loved.

Maybe you will finally feel seen.

Maybe you will finally feel wanted.

That is what the impulse offers.

A quick solution to a deeper need.

What Was I Really Missing?

Today, I wanted to know what I was missing.

I wanted to understand why my impulse to build a family had always been so strong.

It is not that I do not want a family.

I do.

I would love to have a family.

In many ways, I already have one.

But underneath the desire for family was another desire.

I want to be seen.

I want to be loved.

And those things are not the same as having a family.

Being seen is not the same as being married.

Being loved is not the same as having children.

Being wanted is not the same as being needed.

That was a difficult realization.

Holding Up the Mirror

I am glad I had the realization, even though I am still processing it.

I will probably talk to friends.

I will turn it over in my head.

I will continue trying to understand it.

But I am grateful that I am beginning to recognize that I may have been approaching some of this the wrong way.

We cannot process our patterns unless we are willing to examine them.

Sometimes that means holding up a mirror and admitting:

Something about this is not right.

That is difficult.

It is much easier to explain someone else’s behavior than to question our own.

Does the Impulse Serve What You Need?

Tonight, I am going to think about what I need.

I am going to think about what I want.

Then I am going to ask whether the things I impulsively pursue actually serve either one.

Does buying something for another person help me create a healthy connection?

Or does it teach them to value what I provide?

Does rushing into a relationship give me love?

Or does it temporarily make me feel less alone?

Does chasing a particular version of family meet my needs?

Or am I using it to avoid asking why I do not already feel seen?

The goal is not to shame myself for having impulses.

The goal is to understand what they are trying to accomplish.

Pause Long Enough to Ask Why

An impulse is not automatically bad.

Sometimes quick decisions lead to wonderful experiences.

Sometimes spontaneity creates joy.

Sometimes trusting yourself is exactly the right thing to do.

But some decisions deserve a pause.

Before making the purchase, ask:

What am I hoping this will change?

Before entering the relationship, ask:

Do I want this person, or do I want the feeling of being wanted?

Before agreeing to a commitment, ask:

Does this fit the life I actually want?

Before trying to save someone, ask:

Am I helping them, or am I trying to prove my worth?

A pause does not have to stop you.

It simply gives the thoughtful part of you time to catch up.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was watching my client succeed at something we had been working on.

I have only worked with him for four days.

He is already accomplishing things I have asked him to do.

It is amazing to watch the moment something clicks.

It is amazing to know that I helped create that moment.

And it reminds me that I am good at my job.

If I am that good at what I do, why do I still feel the need to prove that I deserve to be seen and wanted?

Clearly, I am seen.

Clearly, I am wanted.

Clearly, I am needed.

My impulses will not make those things more true.

Today is another page in the story. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.