Dear Giving Me: When Friendship Means Learning to Receive, Too

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What do you do when you want to help someone who keeps telling you no?

You know they could use the help.

You know you are not trying to embarrass them.

You are not trying to make them feel small.

You simply see a need, and every part of you wants to meet it.

I do not know how to watch someone struggle and just ignore it.

That has never been in my nature.

Especially now, when it feels like the world is hurting so loudly.

There are so many people who need help and are too afraid, too proud, or too conditioned to ask for it.

And sometimes the hardest thing is not finding a way to give.

Sometimes the hardest thing is watching someone you love refuse to receive.

Wanting More Than Survival for the People You Love

I have a friend who works his butt off.

He does what he needs to do to survive.

But I keep thinking that life should be more than survival.

Shouldn’t a person be able to work a full-time job and still have access to good food?

Shouldn’t basic things like real meals feel more reachable than they do?

He is one of my best friends.

He is also the type of friend who makes sure that every payday I end up with some sort of gift.

Not because I ask.

Not because I expect it.

It is simply the kind of person he is.

This week, though, money was tight for him.

Bills were due.

Rent was due.

Life was life-ing.

And I knew he would probably be stretching every dollar he had.

I never expect him to buy me anything.

It is always sweet when he does, but it is not the foundation of our friendship.

Still, knowing that he is the kind of person who will give even when he does not have much made me notice even more that this week, he was the one who needed something.

Shopping for Him While Shopping for Me

I was putting together my grocery order and doing something a little different than usual.

Normally, I toss random things into the grocery cart and hope I figure it out later.

This week, I sat down and actually planned meals.

I looked up recipes.

I figured out what I wanted to cook.

I built the cart with intention.

And while I was shopping for myself, it hit me that he and I like a lot of the same foods.

So I started shopping for him too.

There were a few things I needed to ask about because I did not want to send him duplicates if he already had them.

So I started texting him:

Do you have this seasoning?

Do you have this sauce?

Do you have this?

Do you have that?

And of course he kept asking why.

Which is annoying when I am trying to be sneaky and helpful.

Eventually, I just asked him if he wanted some real food.

Not because he has no food at all.

He does.

But there is a difference between having food and having access to meals that actually nourish you.

Poverty Changes What Food Looks Like

It seems like in America, the less money you have, the worse you are expected to eat.

Fresh fruits and vegetables are expensive.

Meat is expensive.

Cooking meals from scratch is expensive.

It is not always about laziness or not knowing how to cook.

Sometimes it is about access.

Sometimes it is about cost.

Sometimes it is about trying to make sure you have enough food for the week, even if it is not the kind of food your body really needs.

So he does what a lot of people do.

Frozen pizzas.

Frozen meatballs.

Quick things that can go in the freezer and last.

Easy meals.

Cheap meals.

Meals that fill the hole without really filling the person.

And because I know that, I decided I was going to get him groceries.

I Bought the Groceries Anyway

We talked about it.

He told me he did not want “real food.”

But I knew that was not the full truth.

It was not that he truly did not want it.

It was that groceries are expensive, and he did not want me to feel obligated to help.

That is where he and I are different.

I was not doing it out of obligation.

This is a man who will say, “I do not know how much money I am going to have for the next two weeks,” and still somehow try to buy me a gift.

So no, I was not going to let him tell me no.

I did what any good best friend would do.

I bought the groceries anyway.

I had them delivered to his house.

Then I sent him the delivery notification and told him his groceries were at the front door.

He picked them up.

He was thankful.

He was appreciative.

But that does not change the fact that receiving the help made him uncomfortable.

And that is the part that stayed with me.

Why Is Receiving So Hard?

I find myself in similar situations.

I am very guarded.

Guarded with what I share.

Guarded with how open I am.

Guarded with who I call a friend.

Not because I am not friendly.

I am.

But there are very few people in this world who can truly say they know me deeply.

I have learned that staying quiet often feels safer than volunteering more of myself than I need to.

People have asked me to be vulnerable.

To share more.

To let them in.

And that is hard for me.

So when I see him struggling to receive from me, I recognize a piece of myself in that.

We Know How to Give, But Not Always How to Receive

He is one of those people who always shows up for me.

He listens.

He hypes me up.

He tells me I look good when I feel like I look awful.

Even today, I FaceTimed him, and the first thing he said was that green looks great on you.

He is that person.

He is one of my biggest hype men.

He wants me to accept his compliments.

He wants me to accept his gifts.

He wants me to accept the ways he shows up for me.

And yet, the minute I try to do something meaningful for him, he does not know how to receive it.

That made me think about how deeply many of us internalize the idea that we have to be overly independent.

We act like needing help makes us weak.

Like accepting kindness makes us needy.

Like no one should ever have to do for us what we are willing to do for them.

But is that really friendship?

Friendship Cannot Be One-Sided

If a friendship is built on me doing things for you, but you will never let me return the favor, what kind of friendship is that?

That is not balance.

That is not mutual care.

That is one-sided.

And I do not mean that in a cruel way.

I mean it in the most honest way possible.

Friendship should have room for both people to give.

Both people to receive.

Both people to be cared for.

Today, he did not ask me for groceries.

He did not expect me to send them.

But it felt good to be able to do it.

If I could help every single person I came across, I probably would.

That is just how my heart works.

Being Rich in Heart

You hear about millionaires and billionaires, and sometimes I struggle to understand how so many people can be hurting while so much money exists in the world.

Yes, I understand that people earn their money.

Yes, I understand it belongs to them.

But I cannot imagine having the ability to help and deciding that someone else’s pain is simply not my problem.

I will never be that person.

I will never look at someone struggling, know I can help, and decide to look away.

That is not how I am built.

I will always be a giver.

But I am also learning that if I want to be the kind of giver I say I am, I need to learn how to be a receiver too.

Because that goes both ways.

It is beautiful that I want to show up for people.

It is also beautiful when people want to show up for me.

Sometimes We Have to Step Out of Our Own Way

I told him I was upset.

Not furious.

Not screaming.

Not friendship-ending upset.

Just the kind of upset that says:

You do so much for me.

Why won’t you let me do something for you?

And the truth is, this reflection is not really about me being mad at him.

It is about me recognizing that sometimes we have to step out of our own way and just receive the gift.

Sometimes we get to say yes, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Yes, I do look good in my green shirt today.

Yes, that sweatshirt is going to look good on me.

Yes, I appreciate the compliment.

Yes, I appreciate the kindness.

Yes, I appreciate being seen and heard when I do not feel seen and heard.

Sometimes saying yes is not about taking.

Sometimes it is about allowing someone else the joy of giving.

Let People Love You the Way They Want To

One of the things I appreciate most is that he learned he was not the healthy version of himself that I needed years ago.

Then he came back when he was.

He keeps choosing to show up for me.

He keeps making sure I am okay.

He keeps giving.

And I am deeply thankful for that.

I am also thankful that I can say something as simple as Brussels sprouts and he understands exactly what that means.

That is friendship.

That is knowing someone.

That is caring enough to pay attention.

The world needs more people who know how to love like that.

People who may not be rich in money but are rich in heart.

People who know how to show others they are appreciated, wanted, and needed.

Sometimes, that is the richest a person can be.

Maybe You Are Not Getting Nothing

For the people who feel like they keep giving and giving and giving but never receive anything back, I think there is an important question to ask.

Are you truly not receiving anything?

Or are you keeping people far enough away that they cannot give to you?

That is not blame.

I will never say it is your fault.

But there are usually two people involved.

And I can admit that there have been times people tried to give to me, and I was too proud to receive it.

That is a me problem.

And because it is a me problem, it is something I can work on.

You Cannot Expect It from Others and Refuse It for Yourself

I would like to not feel needy.

But I would also like to be able to accept things because someone cared enough to give them to me.

In the same way I want him to accept the groceries because I cared enough to send them.

I cannot say that it is good enough for him to receive and not good enough for me.

That is not fair.

Not to him.

Not to me.

If I want reciprocal friendship, I have to be willing to participate in reciprocity.

That means giving.

And it means receiving.

Everybody Is Welcome Here

Today I did a lot of giving because that is just where my heart is.

If you are hungry, let’s eat.

I am not going to ask if you have money.

I am not going to make you feel ashamed.

I am going to say let’s go eat.

I do not expect repayment.

That is not my mentality.

I expect you to sit down, eat, and enjoy yourself.

In my world, everybody is welcome.

Everybody is loved.

Everybody is taken care of.

That will continue to be my world because that is what I know how to give.

Sometimes the Hardest Person to Give To Is Yourself

I give you guys me every night.

The truth.

The whole truth.

Nothing but the truth.

Some nights my hair is flowing and curly.

Some nights it is dry because it is hot outside.

But it is me.

That is what I offer.

And I will keep offering it.

But I also want us to recognize something bigger.

Sometimes the hardest person to give to is yourself.

We know how to feed everyone else.

Comfort everyone else.

Show up for everyone else.

Encourage everyone else.

Buy the groceries.

Send the gift.

Offer the compliment.

Be the safe place.

But how often do we give those same things to ourselves?

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today is recognizing that I gave to others, but I have also needed to receive from others.

And sometimes what I was receiving was not material at all.

Sometimes it was friendship.

Sometimes it was kindness.

Sometimes it was being seen.

Sometimes it was someone showing up for me in the exact way I needed.

That counts too.

So tonight, I want us to work on both.

Giving more freely when we can.

Receiving more graciously when love shows up at our door.

And maybe even learning how to give some of that same care back to ourselves.

Today is another page in the story. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.