Dear Unbothered Me: When Growth Looks Like Refusing to Let Everything Ruin Your Peace

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How can you tell when you are growing?

Is it when you start doing things you once avoided?

Is it when you notice patterns you previously ignored?

Or is it when the same situation happens, but you respond differently?

Today was one of those days when I realized I had made progress.

Nothing dramatic happened.

There was no giant breakthrough.

There was no emotional speech playing in the background while I stared thoughtfully out of a window.

It was simply a regular day filled with small moments where I could have become upset.

And I did not.

When the Same Situation Gets a Different Reaction

It is the weekend, so I followed my usual weekend routine.

I got up.

I fed the dogs.

I took them outside.

I made myself breakfast.

I started a load of laundry.

I cleaned the kitchen.

It was just me and the dogs moving around the house while my husband and son were still in their rooms, presumably asleep.

I started to feel annoyed.

It seemed unfair that I was up taking care of the house while everyone else was still in bed.

Usually, that annoyance would grow.

I might storm into the bedroom.

I might wake my husband up.

I might start an argument because I was doing everything while everyone else rested.

But today, I stopped and processed why I was upset.

And the truth was, I was not actually that upset.

They were allowed to sleep in.

I did not need help with anything.

In fact, I probably would not have wanted help with most of what I was doing.

I had my routine.

I knew how I wanted things done.

So I left them alone and continued with my day.

That may sound small.

For me, it was growth.

Not Every Feeling Needs a Reaction

Sometimes we feel something and assume we have to act on it.

I feel annoyed, so I need to confront someone.

I feel ignored, so I need to demand attention.

I feel unappreciated, so I need to make sure everyone knows what I have done.

But a feeling does not always require a reaction.

Sometimes the feeling simply needs to be acknowledged.

Yes, I felt annoyed.

But was I truly being mistreated?

No.

Did I need assistance?

No.

Was anyone stopping me from resting too?

Also no.

I was able to recognize the difference between experiencing a feeling and being controlled by it.

That was progress.

Making Decisions That Feel Bigger Than They Are

After finishing some things around the house, I sat down to work.

I had several decisions to make.

Some were big.

Some were small.

Some were somewhere in between.

But my brain has a way of turning even small decisions into something earth-shattering.

One of those decisions was what name I wanted to use professionally.

Obviously, my name is Jamesha.

That is the name I use.

But as an author, what name do I want on my work?

Do I use my full name?

My maiden name?

My married name?

What feels most like me?

That decision was harder than I expected.

But I sat with it.

I went back and forth.

And eventually, I made the decision.

Growth is not always making decisions quickly.

Sometimes growth is trusting yourself enough to finally choose.

My First Hater

Later, I checked my social media accounts to see how Dear Journal was doing.

I looked at YouTube and noticed a comment from the previous night.

I like engaging with people.

I want to answer questions.

I want to respond when someone takes the time to leave a comment.

But this particular comment had nothing to do with the podcast.

Nothing to do with the message.

Nothing to do with the words coming out of my mouth.

The person commented on my hair.

According to them, they could not take me seriously because I needed to comb it.

Any other time, that probably would have set me off.

I would have gotten angry.

I would have taken it personally.

I would have viewed it as an attack against me.

Today, I laughed.

Apparently, I have my first hater.

Yay.

If You Cannot Hear Me Because of My Hair, That Is Your Problem

The comment made me laugh because of the complete lack of logic.

You cannot take me seriously because, in your opinion, I need to comb my hair?

Okay.

That sounds like a you problem.

If you cannot see past someone’s appearance long enough to hear what they are saying, that is your problem.

The video was about refusing to place people inside boxes.

I talked about mental health.

I talked about wearing different hats.

I talked about hyperfocusing and how people decide they know everything about you based on one detail.

And the response was essentially:

You should hyperfocus on combing your hair.

The point was standing directly in front of them.

They still missed it.

Does My Hair Help Your Self-Worth?

I responded by asking whether my combing my hair would somehow improve their self-worth.

Would it help them grow?

Would it change the message?

Would my curls being arranged differently suddenly make the words more accurate?

Instead of answering that, they repeated that they could not take me seriously because of my hair.

Again, okay.

If that is what you choose to focus on, that is your choice.

I do not control that.

But I am also not going to let your inability to hear me diminish what I said.

What I said was important.

What I said was real.

What I said came from my experience.

You do not like my hair?

Okay.

I Am Not Here to Perform for You

The person continued, eventually making a comment about my mental capacity.

At that point, it became even clearer that the conversation was never truly about my hair.

It was about trying to provoke me.

Trying to pull me into an argument.

Trying to make me feel small.

But I am not a monkey.

I am not a circus act.

I am not here to perform.

I do not get online to pretend to be something I am not.

That is not my job.

It is not my responsibility.

And it is not what I want to do.

I show up as myself.

Sometimes my hair is freshly styled.

Sometimes it is still wet.

Sometimes the curls are perfect.

Sometimes they are doing whatever they decided to do that day.

But it is still me.

I Used to Hate My Hair

There was a time when a comment like that would have stayed with me.

I went through a period where I hated my hair.

I felt like it needed to be straight all the time.

I did not appreciate my natural curls.

I allowed people to convince me that my hair was not good enough.

That it was not professional enough.

That it needed to be changed before I could be taken seriously.

There are people who would love to have the definition my hair has.

And I spent years believing I should not like it.

People also convinced me that my hair was short.

It may look short when it is curly.

But curly and short are not the same thing.

Shrinkage is real.

Especially with my hair.

Ask my stylist.

She will gladly tell you that my hair is ridiculously long and thick.

Today, instead of running to straighten it or comb it into something another person approved of, I simply thought:

You do not like my hair.

And?

That Is Growth

I was unbothered.

Not pretending to be unbothered.

Not saying I did not care while secretly obsessing about it.

I genuinely did not care.

That is how I knew something had changed.

I told my husband and my best friend that I had received my first negative comment.

They immediately became concerned.

Are you okay?

Do not let it get to you.

This is where social media can become difficult.

And I understood their concern.

In the past, something like that would have gotten to me.

But this time, there was nothing to get over.

The comment did not feel like something I needed to carry.

Black Women and Our Hair

Part of why the comment did not affect me may be because there is a long history of people inserting themselves into the relationship Black women have with their hair.

Our hair is always somehow considered public business.

Too curly.

Too straight.

Too short.

Too big.

Too natural.

Too styled.

Not professional enough.

Not neat enough.

Not acceptable enough.

And once again, the message I was sharing was considered less important because of my hair.

How many times are people dismissed for the dumbest reasons?

Their hair.

Their weight.

Their voice.

Their clothing.

Their accent.

Their diagnosis.

Their race.

Their gender.

Their age.

Someone finds one detail they do not approve of and uses it as permission to disregard everything else.

That is still a them problem.

People Hear What They Are Capable of Hearing

We can explain ourselves repeatedly.

We can carefully choose our words.

We can try to make sure the message is clear.

But people will only hear what they are capable of hearing.

They will hear what they are ready to receive.

They will hear what they want to hear.

I can look someone directly in the face and tell them:

You are beautiful.

You are important.

You are kind.

You is kind.

You is smart.

You is important.

And they may still refuse to believe me.

It is hard to receive a message when your mind is not in the right place to accept it.

I Have Misheard Messages Too

There have been plenty of times when someone offered me a compliment or criticism and I heard everything except what they intended to say.

I interpreted the message through my own insecurity.

Then I became hurt.

A lot of my arguments begin because I decide that someone’s words mean something different.

My boyfriend says something, and I think:

Obviously, he does not care.

My best friend says something, and I decide:

Clearly, I am not important.

My husband says something, and I hear:

This means nothing to you.

I hear what I fear instead of what was actually said.

It is easy to do.

But today, someone sent me a message, and I knew immediately:

That does not apply to me.

That message was not for me.

And honestly, it was not truly about me.

What You Say About Me Often Says More About You

How bold do you have to be to sit behind a keyboard and insult someone’s appearance?

It is juvenile at best.

I get online and willingly admit that I am not perfect.

I am not the prettiest person in the world.

I am not the smartest person alive.

But I know what I know.

I have lived through what I have lived through.

And I am here to help.

I will continue to be here to help.

Your inability to listen because you dislike my hair does not invalidate my experience.

It only explains your limitations.

I Wish I Had Been This Unbothered Years Ago

I wish I had known how to be this unbothered years ago.

It would have saved me so much heartache.

So many fights.

So many lonely nights.

Maybe instead of fighting to convince someone to want me, love me, or care about me, I would have recognized that their inability to do so was not always my problem to solve.

Not everyone has to want me.

Not everyone has to love me.

Not everyone has to like or appreciate me.

That is okay.

I get to decide where I sit.

You Can Leave the Table

If I am not invited to the table, I do not have to beg for a chair.

If I am not wanted at the table, I can get up and walk away.

I can leave.

And the beautiful part is that you can too.

We are not required to remain in spaces where we are unwanted.

We do not have to keep explaining our value to people committed to misunderstanding it.

We do not have to audition for belonging.

We can choose another table.

We can build our own.

We can eat alone until we find people who are happy to make room.

Let Them Worry About Not Liking You

Being unbothered is difficult.

It is hard not to care what other people think.

It is hard not to wear your heart on your sleeve.

But sometimes, we need to let people worry about their own dislike.

Let them think whatever they want.

You worry about what your favorite color is today.

Mine is still yellow.

Still green.

Their opinion does not deserve more attention than your peace.

Another Chance to Become Upset

Later, I sat down and ate dinner with my family.

When everyone finished, they got up and went in different directions.

Usually, that would have been another opportunity for me to become upset.

The kitchen is a mess.

No one helped clean.

Why am I doing everything?

But tonight, I cleaned it.

And I was not angry.

Would I want to do that every night by myself?

No.

But tonight, it did not matter.

My headspace said:

This is just a good fucking day.

Nothing had happened that deserved to take that away.

A Bad Mood Was Available, but I Did Not Choose It

I had several opportunities to become upset.

I became annoyed that my family was sleeping while I cleaned.

I received a rude comment online.

I was left to clean the kitchen after dinner.

On another day, any one of those things might have changed my mood.

Today, I brushed them off.

You are not actually upset.

You do not truly care about this.

That comment does not affect you.

Dust it off.

Move on.

I grew in situations where I previously would have been a pain in the ass to myself and everyone around me.

Today, I did not turn every inconvenience into a crisis.

Sometimes It Is Okay Not to Care

Sometimes it is okay not to care.

Our mental health can convince us that every small detail matters.

They looked at me strangely.

They must not like me.

They did not respond the way I expected.

They must not want me.

They criticized me.

Maybe they are right.

Be unbothered.

Does their opinion truly change your life?

Does it make your work less valuable?

Does it change who loves you?

Does it change what you are capable of doing?

Someone whispering about you does not have the power to make or break your day unless you give it to them.

Their Opinion Does Not Change You

Someone may say:

I do not like her because she does not do this.

Okay.

That does not change you.

It does not change your kindness.

Your intelligence.

Your work.

Your appearance.

Your purpose.

Let them believe their opinion carries more weight than it actually does.

While they are thinking about you, you can keep living your life.

For you.

As you should.

Be Free From the Judgment in Your Head

Being unbothered does not mean you never feel anything.

It does not mean you become cold.

It does not mean you ignore constructive feedback.

It means you stop allowing every comment, facial expression, or sign of disapproval to become a judgment living inside your own head.

You can hear something and decide:

That is not mine.

You can receive criticism and determine whether it is useful.

You can let someone dislike you without making it your job to change their mind.

That is freedom.

I Am Not Trying to Make My Work Cleaner

Today, while writing a letter, I had to explain why I was saying something in a particular way.

Some people would want to change it.

They might say:

This could sound cleaner.

But I am not always going for cleaner.

I am going for real.

I am going for me.

I want my work to sound like the way I speak.

The way I think.

The way I would want someone to speak to me.

I am unbothered by the idea that someone else thinks it should be different.

It is my work.

My thought process.

My words.

Not everything needs to be polished until the person disappears.

My Bite of Pie

My bite of pie today was recognizing growth in situations that once would have ruined my mood.

I meal-prepped dinner.

I put it in the Crock-Pot early and let it cook throughout the day.

I received negative feedback and brushed it off.

I started to become upset with my family and realized I was not actually upset.

I chose peace instead of forcing myself into anger.

Today, I was unbothered.

That is my goal for tomorrow too.

To remember that I do things for a reason.

Not everyone will understand why I say things the way I say them.

Not everyone will understand why I do things the way I do them.

They do not have to.

Be unbothered with me.

Be carefree with me.

Just be.

Today is another page in the story. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.