Dear Argumentative Me: When the Voice in Your Head Won’t Stop Fighting You

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Have you ever had an argument with yourself based entirely on the thoughts in your head?

You go back and forth over a decision.

You question what you said.

You question what you did.

You question whether you are good enough, helpful enough, lovable enough, or worthy of the people in your life.

My brain likes to battle both sides of every equation.

Am I good enough to have certain people in my life?

Is my presence more helpful to them or more helpful to me?

Is it better for my husband if I stay, or would it be better if I walked away?

Is it helpful to have my kiddo in my home?

Everything becomes an argument.

And the frustrating part is that I am usually the person arguing against myself.

When Your Mind Builds a Case Against You

Sometimes, arguing with yourself can feel productive.

You are looking at both sides.

You are considering the consequences.

You are trying to make a thoughtful decision.

But there is a difference between considering both sides and allowing your brain to put your worth on trial.

The argument often sounds like:

I am not good enough because I am not doing enough.

I am not worthy because I do not have a job right now.

I am not helpful because I have not accomplished everything I planned.

I am not enough because my life does not currently look the way I think it should.

But are we defined by the things we can change and refuse to work on?

Or are we defined by the things we can change and are actively trying to improve?

There is a difference.

Not being where you want to be does not automatically mean you are doing nothing.

Trying counts.

Taking steps counts.

Recognizing that something needs to change counts.

You Don’t Get to Decide How Someone Else Feels About You

One of the strangest things we do is argue with people when they tell us how they feel about us.

Someone says:

You are good enough for me.

You matter to me.

I love you.

I enjoy having you in my life.

And we respond:

No, you don’t.

No, I’m not.

You are wrong.

But imagine how annoying it would be if someone tried to tell you how you felt.

Imagine saying, “I care about you,” and having them respond, “No, you don’t.”

You would probably think:

Excuse me?

I know how I feel.

You do not get to decide that for me.

And yet, we do this to other people all the time.

They tell us we are worthy of their love, attention, or friendship, and we argue as if their feelings need our approval.

Sometimes Other People See Us More Clearly

One of the most important lessons I learned while working in a mental health facility came from a thirteen-year-old.

She was trying to convince me that I was worth loving.

At the time, I did not always believe that about myself.

Several of the kids told me that what I saw in myself was not what they saw in me.

And one of them reminded me that just because I did not believe something did not mean she did not believe it.

That stayed with me.

Would I rather believe the people who were looking at me and telling me that I mattered?

Or would I rather believe the voice in my head that was committed to tearing me down?

Sometimes the people around us see things we cannot see because our mental health distorts the view.

It is easy to convince ourselves that the cruelest voice must be the most honest one.

It is not.

Giving Advice Is Easier Than Taking It

It is easy to give other people grace.

We can look at someone who is struggling and say:

You are doing your best.

You deserve love.

You are not defined by your worst decision.

You are allowed to start over.

You are more than your current circumstances.

But when it comes to ourselves, suddenly the rules change.

We decide we do not deserve the same patience.

We do not deserve the same understanding.

We do not deserve the same grace.

We can recognize another person’s pain without judgment, then turn around and punish ourselves for having the exact same pain.

Why?

Why are we willing to be kind to everyone except ourselves?

Say the Argument Out Loud

One reason I do this podcast is because I know what happens when I sit alone with my thoughts.

They go wild.

I can convince myself of almost anything if I allow the argument to stay inside my head long enough.

But when I say the thought out loud, something changes.

The words become real.

I can hear how harsh they sound.

I can hear when they do not make sense.

I can hear when I am holding myself to a standard I would never use against another person.

So when you feel yourself arguing with yourself and the negative side is winning, try saying the argument out loud.

Say:

I do not think I am good enough because I do not have a job right now.

Then answer yourself:

Not having a job right now does not mean I am not worthy. I am applying. I am trying. I am working on changing the situation.

Say:

I have made mistakes, so I must be a bad person.

Then answer yourself:

Making a bad decision does not mean every part of me is bad.

Sometimes hearing the thought is enough to show you that it does not deserve as much power as you have given it.

Your Past Is Not Your Permanent Identity

I struggle with questioning myself based on things I have experienced or done in the past.

My brain will say:

You made that decision years ago.

That is why your life looks like this now.

You are stuck.

You do not deserve better because you should have known better then.

But just because something happened in the past does not mean the person I am today is still living in that moment.

We often act as though one bad decision should determine the rest of our lives.

It should not.

You made a decision.

Maybe it was the wrong one.

Maybe you regret it.

Maybe it changed your life.

That does not mean you are required to keep making the same decision forever.

Today Is Another Page in the Story

This is why I say that today is another page in the story.

Every day gives you another opportunity to write something different.

Maybe you are not working right now.

Tomorrow, you can apply for another job.

You can apply to school.

You can make a phone call.

You can fill out one form.

You can take one step.

That is a different page.

It does not erase everything that happened before it.

It simply means the next page does not have to repeat the last one.

We forget that we are holding the pen.

Sometimes we act as though the story has already been written and we are trapped inside it.

But we are not bound to repeat the same day forever.

If you overslept today, you can set the alarm earlier tomorrow.

If you avoided something today, you can face one piece of it tomorrow.

If you made a mistake today, you can choose differently the next time.

You do not have to rewrite the entire book in one night.

You only have to write the next page differently.

Mental Health Is Eaten One Bite at a Time

Mental health is a lot like eating a chocolate cake.

You cannot shove the whole cake into your mouth at once.

At least, I would not recommend trying.

You eat it one bite at a time.

Healing works the same way.

Some days, the bite is big.

You go to therapy.

You have a difficult conversation with a parent.

You talk to your spouse.

You work through something painful with your child.

You make a major decision.

Other days, the bite is much smaller.

You get out of bed.

You take a shower.

You brush your teeth.

You answer one message.

You survive the day without falling apart.

That still counts.

A small bite does not make you less of a person.

It simply means that was the amount you could manage that day.

Life Can Be Hard Without Looking Hard

Society likes to decide what qualifies as a difficult life.

People say:

You do not pay bills, so what do you have to be stressed about?

You do not have a job, so what are you tired from?

You are young, so how hard could your life really be?

But life can be hard without bills.

Life can be hard without a job.

Life can be hard while you are still in school.

Life can simply be hard.

We do not give people enough credit for carrying emotional weight that cannot be seen.

We expect people to turn their mental health on and off based on what is convenient for everyone else.

That does not make sense.

If you are physically sick, people understand why you may need rest.

If you are mentally unwell, suddenly they expect you to smile, work, socialize, and behave as though nothing is happening.

But mental health does not stay contained inside one person.

Attitudes can spread.

Pain can spread.

Stress can spread.

When someone is struggling, it affects the way they interact with the people around them.

That does not make them bad.

It means mental health deserves to be taken seriously.

What if You Argued for Yourself?

What would happen if you played devil’s advocate in your own favor?

Instead of arguing:

I am not good enough for the people in my life.

What if you said:

Maybe I am good enough.

Maybe I bring more to their lives than I realize.

Maybe I make them laugh.

Maybe I listen.

Maybe I help.

Maybe they answer the phone because they genuinely want to talk to me.

Maybe the conversation matters to them too.

We are quick to assume we are a burden.

But what if the person smiled the entire time they talked to you?

What if they laughed?

What if they answered your call when they did not have to?

What if they gave you access to their life because you mean something to them?

We notice every sign that someone might not want us.

We rarely give the same attention to the signs that show they do.

Give Yourself Credit for the Good

I am good at helping other people see things in themselves that they cannot see.

I can look at someone who is struggling and remind them of their strength.

I can show them the good they overlook.

I can help them understand that their worst moment is not their entire identity.

I am not always good at doing that for myself.

Some days, I convince myself I have not done enough.

But today, I got up.

I went to work.

I met my new client.

I helped a mother feel seen.

We had coffee.

I did good things.

Maybe they were not world-changing.

But for the people I interacted with, they may have been life-changing.

When do we give ourselves credit for that?

Not often enough.

We dismiss our impact because it does not feel big enough.

But making one person feel seen matters.

Making someone laugh matters.

Listening matters.

Answering the phone matters.

Showing up matters.

Your Inner Voice Is Not the Only Voice

The voice in your head may be loud.

It may be convincing.

It may know every insecurity, every mistake, and every painful memory.

But it is not the only voice.

There are people who see you differently.

There are people who value your presence.

There are people who believe you are worthy even when you do not.

There are people whose lives are better because you are in them.

You do not have to accept every cruel thought simply because it came from your own mind.

You can question it.

You can answer it.

You can say it out loud and hear whether it actually makes sense.

You can decide that the negative voice does not get to write the entire story.

The argument may not disappear.

But you can stop allowing it to win automatically.

What argument have you been having with yourself?

Are you questioning whether you are enough?

Are you judging yourself by where you are, or are you giving yourself credit for the steps you are taking?

Are you allowing your past to define your future?

Are you arguing with people when they tell you that you matter?

What would happen if, just for today, you argued for yourself?

Today is another page in the story. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

It just has to be written.

Before you close your journal tonight, ask yourself:

What was your bite of pie today?

Until tomorrow,

Love you loud.